Ink Dragon

Oct 05, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Thunderstorm

An idle piling up of silence turns into gradually spun suspense

as radiating heat begets merciless sinister sultriness

No feeble breeze stirs damp air's oppressive cloak

as heavy grey clouds hide the tinny gleaming of the sun

A glaring flash of lightning tears the brooding lead apart

a growling roll of thunder blows up menacing clouds

Finally, redeeming rain is pouring down

— Ink Dragon, Oct 05, 2007

Critiques

IKnowNoBox

18 years 8 months ago

I see how a dragon would have such

In Sight into Thunder storms (as well as it's rider). May your well never run dry. In crayon, Dabbler

Ink Dragon

18 years 8 months ago

It´s something other

than the first one. Actually, this is a rather old piece which I originally wrote in German and translated about two weeks ago...I tried to transfer the "dark" sounds of the German version into English...a trying challenge! Regards, Ink Dragon

weirdelf

18 years 8 months ago

I know I am right out of order

suggesting words, but with the shape of the poem I can't help thinking the last line could be "on me" Just a thought, love the poem. cheers, Jess

Ink Dragon

18 years 8 months ago

No you´re not

(out of order, that is) thank you for your suggestion, I´ll think it over. Poetic Regards, Ink Dragon

follettvogue

18 years 8 months ago

poem.

paula buckenham you could say the lull before the storm , a slow build up to the climax of the storm , well expressed and just enough words . paula

Ink Dragon

18 years 8 months ago

Thank you

for pinning down the point of the poem, that shows me i am understood-a good feeling! Poetic Regards, Ink Dragon

RSScheerer

18 years 8 months ago

My thoughts on the translation

Hey, Ink... First of all, you know I love this piece. Considering the translation factor, I would have a few minor suggestions: First line - "turns into" possibly "changes gradually into" Second - "a" may be unnecessary Third - "oppresive" spelling "oppressive" Fifth - "All of a sudden" possibly "Suddenly" Sixth - might be able to drop "And" As always, you know what to take and what to leave. :)

Ink Dragon

18 years 8 months ago

Thank you so much

for your suggestions, spelling shall be rectified immediately, other things might take a bit longer... Love, ID

Ink Dragon

18 years 8 months ago

I couldn´t change the position of "gradually"

for the sole reason that the literal translation of "geruhsam gesponnene Spannung" is "gradually spun suspense" here. I know an English native speaker might instinctively like it better the other way around, English being a verb-centered language. But as I translated it from noun-centered German, I think I may be allowed this liberty (it´s not really outrageously wrong, is it?) I stuck with your other suggestions though. They were really helpful, as always! Thanks again, love, ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 3 months ago

Weeell,

"on me"...I´ve been thinking this over for quite some time, but I would like this poem to stay impersonal, detached, simply observing. I strongly feel that adding "on me" would make it more personal, which wasn´t what I was aiming at. Do I make sense? Thanks for the read, Amartya! Yours, ~Nina

infinite_dwarf

17 years 3 months ago

Nina

For the sun: tinny or tiny? Seems tiny is the word to go there, I think. I love thunderstorms, and you did them a wonderful justice in this poem. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- -"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction!" -"God is good, but never dance in a small boat."

Ink Dragon

17 years 3 months ago

Hi Jess,

thanks a lot for taking the time to read this old piece! "Tinny" was my try to translate my original word choice in German ("blechern"). Does it read really horribly? I can´t think of a suitable alternative right now and would be grateful for suggestions. ("blechern" means "made of tin") Yours, ~Nina

infinite_dwarf

17 years 3 months ago

ah no

Now that I see what it was translated from, tinny is fine. I thought you meant the little bit of sun peeking through some clouds, that's why I said tiny at first. :~) ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- -"As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction!" -"God is good, but never dance in a small boat."

Ink Dragon

16 years 10 months ago

Theo,

I nearly had an apoplexy when I read your comment! (I hate being caught with typos!) But it says "roll" down my end, so maybe there was a pixel running havoc when you read it? Yours, ~Nina

Ink Dragon

16 years 10 months ago