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I
IKnowNoBox
Nov 27, 2007 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Voices Seen

 she wanted to speak

you could see her

struggle for words

articulation

release for her

very thoughts

 

he wanted to see

her speak

even witness

a whisper

to see the words

created by her thoughts

 

they sat and watched

a conversation

between two

awkward youth

create a visable

poem right before

their very eyes

— IKnowNoBox, Nov 27, 2007

About the Author

Region, Country: East Coast, USA

Favorite Poets: Weird Elf, Shel Silverstein, The Poet Anonymous

More from this author

Critiques

M

musicguru

18 years 6 months ago

good stuff

really liked it.
T

thatiswhatiamnot

18 years 6 months ago

You captured the moment amazingly...

I really really enjoyed this poem. The line breaks and simple diction and everything just added to the worth of this poem. However, I didn't particularly think the last three added a whole lot to the poem as a whole. But that's just me, and everyone else seems to think it's perfect, so feel free to disregard this.
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 6 months ago

Listen, despite your request

Listen, despite your request for sensitive feedback i think you deserve better. I love this poem. But it reminds me of when I was in film school and set an assignment to write realistic dialogue, I set a microphone hidden at a cafe and recorded two lovers conversation. Then transcribed it as a script and presented it. It failed. My tutor said people just don't talk like that. You achieve by poetic invention where reality fails. Congratulations, cheers, Jess
docmaverick

docmaverick

18 years 6 months ago

I know of this "moment"...

..the moment the "gears" are kicking in...and whatever ensues, can either whisper of your insights.....or or scream of your "idiocity". Truly a good write, in my eyes. doc.
JB

Jillian Botha

18 years 6 months ago

This is sweetly acurate

This really does capture the moment!! Well done! :-) Kind Regards Feebie takes happen, do not dwell on them, live them, mourn them and move on to better things. (PS: if that does not work eat lots and lots of chocolate)
G

guardian

18 years 6 months ago

Simplicity is Universal

The simplicity of rw moment is universal in understanding the depth of this poem. Well crafted I enjoyed reading. guardian
C

Calliope

18 years 6 months ago

David! Bravo!!

This is definately my favorite piece by you.It was warm and heartfelt I'm seeing that sensitive teddy bear I know is in there.We are all human,with human emotions .which in turn evokes thought that we turn into beautiful poetry that touches hearts everywhere.It definately touched mine. Beautiful, Lacy,
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

18 years 6 months ago

Voices Seen

I love the way that you captured their intimacy with their observation of another, younger couple. An excellent instance of time and thought and care made eternal. Thank you.
D

DDCdogood

18 years 6 months ago

Voices....Beauttttifulllll

The dialogue is smooth and effortless. Even the most ardent writer, it's hard to write about poignant dialogue. One at a time is the usual way. This piece allows the reader to observe, with a poetic lense, evoking a sense of pure observance of, the human experience, with all it's edges. This piece is the classic example of , less is more. Way to go. I agree, this is your best stuff yet. But I hope, not your last, good read, thanks. Keep em' comin' DDC
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

Not That

There is an awkwardness to the last three verses (I almost changed them).I agree the last three break away from the poem.As part of the theme I hoped to create the awkward shift out of a moment.Thank you for your insight the way to improvement. In ink, David
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

Thank you DDC

Thank you Guardian and Thank you Lacy. In ink, David ps you Neopoets have helped my Escape Artist.
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

Great to hear from you Feebie

The Fair Fairy Golom Tamer that wields a plume. I hope to read your poetry again soon it is good to hear from you may your chocolate supply be abundant In ink, David
T

TheRealTearsICry

18 years 6 months ago

.

i love this poem.
A

Ancientone

18 years 6 months ago

Very sweet....

and tender moment caught in your words dear friend. :) Patrick
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

Thank you AO

good to see you back in the mix I have had less computer time but i am still reading.your latest post is strong. in ink, David
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years 6 months ago

Wow...

Dabbler, You just get better all of the time. Great poem. Wolfy Cat.
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

Welcome back Cat

I was inspired to pull this up to post it by a poem I read earlier. I am glad you liked it. I look forward to more of your poems.The original was sentamental here I made it as universal as possible. Good to see you back. In ink, Dabbler
AT

Arthur Tugman

18 years 6 months ago

Arthur Tugman

Your title prompted me to write a sequil: . Silence Is a moment in time That when expressed in mime Can be heard by all . -- Arthur Tugman
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

That is noted I am stoked you where inspired

as it would be worth mention that this poem is inspired by a deaf couple who were not communicating in hard times.I worked it a bit after reading another poem I must mention once I get the name. They are still together.another poem simular is Touched by All(an Enigma) perspective and senses cross well i really like the way my studies are coming along. Neopoet has nudged me along as well. There is another poet here that made me pull this up to post. In ink, David
M

meic

18 years 6 months ago

With such simple words

With such simple words you've successfully captured a precious and fragile moment. Lovely. Mike
D

dbrock

18 years 6 months ago

This to me, this is

This to me, this is beautiful, David. It touches my heart because it reminds me of two people I love in my life, who had dementia. eloquent read on a fragile topic... blessings, donna
P

purplemoondoll

18 years 6 months ago

Captures the moment

Brilliant story Dabbler - this is excellent writing. You have captured the moment, the awkwardness and feelings beautifully. It could apply to any couple but the fact this is about two deaf people makes it even more poignant I like the way you have structured this too. It allows us to see the perspective from all viewpoints. Excellent! Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
I

IKnowNoBox

18 years 6 months ago

If we challenge perspective

if we shine a new light perhaps those who are "in the dark" will look toward "a light" cast diffrenently then at least if we are not on the same page we can at least be in the same book... Thank you Kaz The line between personal and universal is blurring and I thank every one here(at Neopoet)for the specticals for which to see,I am not alone in my vision. In ink, David
docmaverick

docmaverick

18 years 6 months ago

Kaz.....

..you are truly the "crystal shard" that can amplify the truest, and purest light in any moment caught by pen. I agree that the moment was captured, "well". My comment for you, Kaz...is that I love the picture of your cat! It's nearly a "dead ringer" for MY cat, Opie Artemus Taylor. The moment caught in that picture is, "feline tolerance". Funny. doc.
P

purplemoondoll

18 years 6 months ago

Thanks Doc

Without formal poetry training I try to avoid reviewing structure so I go with instinct and how a poem makes me feel. This poem is awesome! Great name for your cat! This is Garfield. I call the picture 'Am I bovvered?' so 'feline tolerance' is a brilliant subtitle. heh heh it says it all, nothing phases him. - Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

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