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Barbara Writes
Barbara Writes
Apr 09, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Dark cloud

A dark cloud
linger
unmovable
dejected people
uncertain future
running with vain chances
as success falls short

Gloom
sad people
looking for love
no one to care
about things that matter

Unloving
downhearted people
strive to pick up lives
cope with shattered dreams
devastation
tragedies no fault of their own

Fading
despondent people
clinging to what’s left
dignity
integrity
clouds
unresponsive

Cloud of people
unaffected
unyielding
indifferent
not swayed

A dark cloud






— Barbara Writes, Apr 09, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins, Shakespeare, , Emily Dickinson, , , Whitman, Jess Tapper

More from this author

Critiques

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purplemoondoll

18 years 2 months ago

Depressing but well written.

Depressing but well written. I really liked this but felt it could be arranged into shorter lines to add more impact? I dont know see what you think. This is a sharp social commentary, I come across this every day. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Yes very much so

I agree with your suggestion and will revise it. Just feeling down at that moment I wrote it to get mind away from gloom and on to something more brighter. it worked sometime it takes writing several poem in a row to do that This is a sharp social commentary, I come across this every day. Is true. What I see is a better world where our social commentary will be the exact opposite of what commonplace. Hard to imagine in this dark world. Thanks for your kind comment. Smiles:) Barbara
P

purplemoondoll

18 years 2 months ago

Your revisions have added

Hi Barbara Your revisions have certainly added power and impact but I still feel it might benefit from a little tweaking. How about this? Funny how I see A world under a dark cloud Unmoveable Dejected people Uncertain future Running with vain chances As success falls short Of expectations You might hate this - I added the last line as it seemed to fit but see what you think! Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks kaz

I was working on this at the library waiting for my daughter class to end. She got out early so I had to stop and go get her as I have no car of my own. I like your suggestions. Just the way I would have want it. expectations a word I was considering, works well here. Thanks for the help. Smiles:) Barbara
ML

Michael Landau

18 years 2 months ago

Why funny?

I also like this poem a lot! My only comment would be that the use of the word "funny" struck me as a little strange. I know that you meant funny as in strange or odd, but I'm so accustomed to the sense of funny as in humorous, that I was taken aback a first, and then I realized what you meant. Did you intend to contrast the two meanings of the word funny? If not, you might consider using a different word like strange or odd, or maybe even peculiar. Just a suggestion. Thanks, Michael
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks Micheal

My brother name is Micheal, the youngest of nine. Any way I agree with your suggestion. I thought about changing the title later once I found the word I wanted to use as the final title. Not a good choice just started typing. This was an impromptu poem to relieve sadness that seems comes from no where. Thanks for taking the time to read it will consider the changes. Smiles:) Barbara
Mark

Mark

18 years 2 months ago

Attitude

The attitude you work at can be tiring as it is constant work, really. You do a wonderful job and to make matters clear you say here that you are aware of the other side BUT you SHOW US that you can rise above it with your attitude which is how you view something like your world - what you write so much about. Write on Brbara ! Truly, Mark
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Attitude hmmm, tiring hmmm

Will look at more closely. The attitude you work at can be tiring as it is constant work, really. Tiring for who, others? Tiring, good or bad? I don't want to tire anyone. I'm viewed as self absorbed by many I know. My attitude, how I cope in a lonely world with no close friends, just friends who avoid me most of the time for reasons I am unaware of often times. Maybe why I don't have any. Maybe need to take a different approach in poetry writing. Then it wouldn't be me. Glad to know what the condition is that tire people out. I will look to self for something that is not me, Makes to be a better person I hope. Thanks for the kind words, Smiles:) Barbara
Mark

Mark

18 years 2 months ago

Barbara

Tiring to the one trying to keep up a good attitude. Tireing neither good nor bad but more of a challenge. You bring out in your poem here these/those thoughts from me. Mark
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks for the insight

My attitude tires like a millstone thrust upon their backs Remove it Pitch it take it back Take away the weariness that fell upon their eyes restore the vigor Take away the challenge heavy on their heart ease away the disregard Confiscate my thoughts put it in a bud vase high up on a mantle Seize my viewpoints put it in a bottle fling it out to sea Sanity is gone vanity is clear rip it from my chest Humility restores wisdom return hold fast to my heart Now that I know have something to work on. Makes a better person. Smiles:) Barbara
Mark

Mark

18 years 2 months ago

lmao

YOU GO GIRL !
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks imao?

Thanks really appreciate that. I wrote several yesterday. My daughter brought me her book with poems of several author Emily, Frost and others. We talk about them as she does in school, she ask questions the way her teacher does to get me thinking. I never had poetry reading in school or college, not even now, was fun. Wrote more after that. She has inspire me to read more of the great poets' poetry. I never understood poetry is why I didn't read them. So I settle on writing. Makes for a better person. Smiles:) Barbara
P

Patricia_legacy

18 years 2 months ago

nice poem

I would change just one thing though. I believe it would be things that matter not matters. Other than that you've got a great poem. Write on! Patricia
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks

Thanks for your suggestions will consider. Smiles:) Barbara
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks Dabbler

Smiles:) Barbara Thanks for your heartwarming comment. So much happens today hope to lighten things with this poem.
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks

Smiles:) Barbara Didn't notice the typo. Has been fixed.
P

purplemoondoll

18 years 1 month ago

Congratulations

This is a great poem. I love the way you worked on this. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Mark

Mark

18 years 1 month ago

Barbara

Congratulations, you are an evolution ! Mark
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 1 month ago

Thanks Mark

Smiles:) Barbara Was so surprise to see me there. I told my family and they said what's that? Excitedly I explain they just stared. I was happy.
atorn

atorn

18 years 1 month ago

running with vain cahnces as

running with vain cahnces as success fall short now that is a great line i felt the poems title says it all a dark cloud falls over us all yet clouds can always blow away or at least i hope so nice piece of work flows well and contains a scathing commentary of the world which we have made
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 1 month ago

Thanks

Smiles:) Barbara Your view of this poem is welcome. It adds to the image. Thank you for your kinds words

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