Race_9togo

Mar 18, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

What Have I Lost

I finally told him
sitting in
inevitable bar
noisome with the
ever-present stinks
of spilled beer
and cigarettes
the stale musky scent
of listless dancing women
thick upon the air

he sneered at me
eyes vacant
mind stained black
by decades
of drink and hate
and said

you can use her
you can screw her
hell, you can
even love her
but don't you ever
bring that nigger
to my home

a decade down
the shining path
I chose to take
my life along
my father passed away:
he died alone
afraid
regretful
as befits
one of his kind

the vultures
of his family
all asked me
to attend his
wake and funeral
then pay for it as well
I answered:
never speak to me again

a decade and a half
from that divergence
only memory is left
my hate and bitterness
all burned away
by deep abiding love
I think about
my children and the woman
who bore them of her body
sleeping softly
beside me now
I look down at her
and ask myself
what have I lost?

Nothing,
Nothing At All.

— Race_9togo, Mar 18, 2009

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

Critiques

Edevold

17 years 2 months ago

Two up on this one......

The best kind of poem - straight from the gut - easy to read, honest and genuine......

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Ed

I appreciate your comment very much Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

orgami

17 years 2 months ago

here the depth of Poetry solid speaks

morning not even had my coffee yet just sitting here the computer fan rising and falling sounding like a front end loader in a pit loading trucks far away then i read this i am stunned into the beauty of its awful rich rawness by your making the step away face to face in the den of it and looking back and feeling as you have Lost nothing!!! braver then I this poem rocks my freind A high five to you and your good woman and child as a child of racial hate (native in my blood) raised in mostly white schools I know the sting I feel kinship in this poem greatly humanity time for that coffee now thankyou

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thank you my friend

your comment has moved me more than I can say. I spent a long time with this one, editing and editing, trying to decide where it should go, where it should not go and if I should have even posted it. Your words show me that I was right to do so. Thanks again Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Cloudthings

17 years 2 months ago

Absolutely you were right to

Absolutely you were right to post this. I feel you have set a fire under us in a really good way, we are the ones who are grateful. I'm with Janice 5 stars from me too. Anni "Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language, and even the phrase, "each other" doesn't make any sense."

ginny

17 years 2 months ago

awesome work.

this poem is so moving. its rich, dark tone really brings out the beauty in the filth of the situation. and it's also beautiful that you could let go of something so upsetting and focus on the good things life gave you. some say that hurtful life experiences are what makes a poet great. to me this is proof of that. --ginny

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thank you Ginny

Yes, I think we always have to find the good in the worst of the bad. Otherwise, we sink without trace. I am glad that you enjoyed my effort so much Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

17 years 2 months ago

What Have I Lost

I am speechless. One of the best I have read in a long time~ ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Oh my goodness

thank you Janice! High praise indeed. :) Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

professor

17 years 2 months ago

A very moving and stark piece

of descriptive and highly personal poetry. Prejudice of this kind comes in many forms but in all of them it is both deeply shocking and anger provoking. Keith

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Keith

Nothing left now but the memory of it. I feel sorry for him now, for what he lost. Thanks again Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Stella

17 years 2 months ago

Jim, This deeply personal

Jim, This deeply personal poem moved me a great deal, it's absolutely one of your best! I have a very troubled relationship with my parents myself (I don't see them much) and having visited them last week I finally came to realize that I'm not sure they should be part of my life anymore which is a horrible thing to say and admit.. I know. My father is very different from yours but I understand the sentiment Jim, it must've been extremely hard for you to deal with and I think it is a very brave (but maybe also liberating?)decision to post it. All the best for you, your woman & kids Jim! ~Stella

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Stella

Ouch, are your parents that bad? I should not ask - I know mine were. Glad you enjoyed my poem Respectfully Jim Liberating, yes "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Cloudthings

17 years 2 months ago

The world needs to read these things, so well written

Don't want to read other comments until I write, though I am rushed sorry for that. I have no doubt we will all be saying a similar thing you know, speaking of the brilliance of this write, it is so moving. It struck me (in comparison to mine, sorry, not in a creative way.. ) that it is an important write... it speaks of things we need to hear. It shook me & made me feel self indulgent (I know our personal perspectives about our own little lives can still move & inspire others, but there is more). Inspired me to explore bigger things here. This may be a personal story, but there is a lot here that the world could do to look at. This is a truly great write Jim, well written & reflects so much of your goodness & your love for you woman. So good to read. Anni "Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language, and even the phrase, "each other" doesn't make any sense."

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thank you Anni

"Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Janice

I am glad that you enjoyed it so. Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Wafi

17 years 2 months ago

What Have I Lost.

A very moving write, Jim! Touched my hurt. Sincerrely, Wafi

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Wafi

Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

17 years 2 months ago

What Have I Lost

Jim, I like to come back to re-read this one your words touch my soul,congrats on evolution, well deserved~ ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Janice

I always know I did it right, when you tell me you re-read! Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Wuzz

17 years 2 months ago

What Have I Lost

Wow, that is a hard hitting poem! The phrase "mind stained black by decades of drink and hate" is so vivid and frightening. I feel sorry for your father through this poem. It sounds like he was the real victim here even though he likely chose his own path. This is a powerful poem that leaves me thinking there is still something yet to be lost. There is an obvious, and very understandable bitterness woven within this poem.

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Wuzzwords

Yes I do feel sorry for him now. I watch my children with their maternal grandfather, my father-in-law whom I love and respect, and I see what my own father denied himself in his stupidity. Bitterness? There was once, but no more. What I have gained has long since washed it away. Thanks Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

sakkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

17 years 2 months ago

Color

Well placed the words of truth. Yet I'm white of skin. So as not to offend. I say only this the color of men is not to the skin it is of the gray to thier end. I will not speak of your fathers mind as his life his strife I hold not a clue. Yet I offer this as just me. Mix brown with red white and blue you have one color if to the truth. We are all white in the end of life. Good luck and Gods speed to the next write I will read with my cover placed to the wind and now the truth will begian agian. Steven A. Kacer

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Steven

As someone that I greatly respect here at Neopoet told me not long ago, we are all of the same blood, red within. Thanks you for your comment, glad you enjoyed my poem. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

faerybeki

17 years 2 months ago

This is one powerful poem

This is one powerful poem Jim, absolutely floored me! Beautiful job beautiful man. much love b x

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks Beki

I seem to have hit something of a nerve with many people here, and I am glad that you, and they, have enjoyed my poem. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Morgana Tragic…

17 years 2 months ago

Wow, deep and powerful

I grew up with an alcolholic stepdad, I totally relate to this one... you can use her you can screw her hell, you can even love her but don’t you ever bring that nigger to my home This is something that just brings his voice back, it's absolutely haunting. I shivered reading this. You are completely right when you say you've lost nothing at all. You are in the right to love who you are and to love who you love. It makes you all the better man that he taught you who not to be. I respect that immensely. These personal poems are always the hasrdest write and I find they take the longest to edit, but in time I also find they stay with you the longest, the words resonate within for a long long time. This is just all around an amazing piece. Thanks for sharing it from the bottom of my heart. There's always someone who will relate with this. Peace and Love Katie

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Thank you Katie

In truth, I find the writing of a poem increasingly easier, even the more personal ones, the more time that I spend here at Neopoet. I think that this is due to the encouraging audience that we all share here at this unique site. This poem was hard not because it awoke any fresh pain or animosity - all I feel is sad pity for him now - but because honestly, I did not want to share this. Far too personal for me, and in the real world we all share I would not ever talk about this. But I am glad that I did, here. It is one thing to believe that you have written something good and meaningful for yourself, but quite another to know that others think you have as well, and that they have been touched by your efforts. Thank you again Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

themoonman

17 years 2 months ago

Jim...

This is truly a great poem... honest and generous with emotions well placed... you did a wonderful job with it because it is easy to picture as most of us have had to deal with racist at some point in life and sadly within our own families. My own father may have reacted in much the same way and I'm sure my Grandfather would have. Most of my family do not like my wife, but I'm not married to them. They don't see her for who she is and it has caused quite a strain on my relationship with my family, but not with my relationship with her... to me, her imperfect self is all I need for real happiness, and that seems to be what you have found... great write Jim... thanks for posting Richard

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Richard

Do you know, my Grandfather loved my wife? I think I was more scared of telling him than I was of telling my idiot father, since granddad was a man that I loved and respected. I suppose I should have realized how wrong I was in that fear, considering how much I loved the old man. When I told him, what I got was "Well it's about time you got married", a big hug, and then the absolute pleasure of that old man putting his arms around my future wife. In the last months of his life he lived with us, and he got to hold his newest great-grandchild in his arms before he left us. And of course, the total look of wonder and delight on my wife's face was a treasure, too! I laughed at your comment about your family not liking your wife. I have none left on my side that are here in the States, but one or two members of my wife's family feel that way about me! She has the same reaction..."I'm married to him, you aren't so shut up." I think in the end, as a man, it doesn't matter who she is: black, white or in between, high society blue-blood, tattooed biker broad or lowly street-talking gangster chick, if she loves you, shows you and promises to spend her life with you, don't hesitate, because it may never come again. Thanks again Richard, I always value your opinion. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Bosscombat

17 years 2 months ago

wow man

Gday jim, After reading this poem I found myself in awe... not just at the feelings it brought to the surface but also at the boldness and the.......balls...you utilised to produce such work and make it public. I commend you deeply. Truely inspiring. Bosscombat

Seren

17 years 1 month ago

I am going to say more than

I am going to say more than i usually do LOL wonders will never cease ... Jim this is an extraordinary piece it speaks of truths that most people are too afraid to voice .. And i also see a bleak beauty in it ? maybe thats me i always try to find the best in things ... most of us have those sad stories about loved ones they dont communicate with anymore for whatever reason ..Powerful piece .. Five stars .. Love and Light JayC

R.M.Shanmugam

17 years ago

I was moved by the contents

I was moved by the contents doubled by wording. shan

JoJo

17 years ago

Glad I visited this one

Jim, I am so glad I visited this one. The message is very clear and one that should be shared. I wrote a poem dealing with racism and I believe it's in good taste as yours definally is. I wasn't sure about posting it. After reading your poem I have been liberated and will consider posting now. Thank you for sharing this poem. JoJo

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