Pugilist

Jun 10, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

That Cloak You Wear

That Cloak You Wear

Happiness, like some tragic flaw you would dismiss,
Falls away and cowers, powerless, extinguished
Harshly now forgotten, misbegotten, while you,
Standing in the light of the setting sun landing
Akin to a crown of despair and wild chagrin
That works to suffocate, desecrate, and destroy
And catalogue offense, intense in its anger
Against all wishes offered or goodwill dispensed
Seeking rather to paint such kindness with reeking
Hatred and resentment; testament to sad choices
And disquiet readily, steadily, applied,
Pasted on a life that exemplifies wasted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Although this may read, on the surface as free-form, it is an example of a June contest entry.

Each line is 12 syllable, there are 12 lines and the rhyme scheme is as follows:

Bracketed A
Internal B
Internal C
Bracketed D

Lather, rinse, repeat for the other sets of 4 lines.

I would probably have done a standard end-cap rhyme scheme but a question poised to me about the contest inspired and compelled me to try something more interesting.

— Pugilist, Jun 10, 2009

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Critiques

Seren

17 years ago

I am still learning about

I am still learning about poetry , but I really liked this well done ... In a few short lines you describe someone turning their back on happiness and embracing sadness ... I might be wrong in my read I usually am .. But I liked this all the same ... Love and Light Jayne

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

I'm glad the message came across

Especially since this was a blazingly fast write for me, after I realized it was the 10th and I'd not put up an example for the June contest. Less than 1.5 hours which for someone who take weeks normally, months frequently, and years at times is beyond comprehension. I'll use this as an opportunity to plug structure. Once I'd decided on the rhyme scheme I had to find words and phrases that conveyed the meaning I wanted to give yet still adhered to the rules. Combine this with the fact that I NEVER (OK, just this once) write in hexameter. The most important thing about poetry, in my less than humble opinion, is that it communicates. Everything else is secondary I just find that structured poetry to be easier to write. And thank you for your comments. Now, how about you enter the June contest? The best way to learn poetry is by writing poetry and what better way to extend that than by entering a contest with rules? --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Seren

17 years ago

Jonathan...

Me enter a contest?, not yet ... I think I might leave that to you wonderful writers ... Maybe when I have improved and grown a little more ? that will definately be something I would like to try though ... I have only been writing for 2 months ...So Thank you , for the suggestion , your right though , writing improves the more you write but simply my scribbles aren't anything of the quality of some of the others , I dont think I am even close to being ready yet ... much respect and love Jayne x

bjp

17 years ago

Dear Pugilist,

I read and reread this poem, pleased. It is a very good study and well written. I am very glad that you demonstrate the variations. The poem is dark: not quite "Heart of Darkness" dark, but still powerful in invoking worry. My favourite turns of phrase in this poem are: Happiness, like some tragic flaw you would dismiss Falls away and quivers, shivers, and wilts to naught Akin to a crown of despair and wild chagrin Seeking rather to paint such kindness with reeking Pasted on a life that exemplifies wasted. In general, your poem is very well crafted. The eyes that turn away will be those that cannot witness such powerful images of sadness, either of themselves or another. Affectionately, Brian

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Thanks Brian

I appreciate your time and insight. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

17 years ago

Mmm, yeah....

You make me feel like a poet baby in diapers now. I'm always thoroughly amazed when I see people tackle structured poetry, and make it seem almost effortless. Well done, Jon. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "So I open my door to my enemies, and ask could we wipe the slate clean? But they tell me to please go fu** myself; you know you just can't win" - Pink Floyd

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

You are very kind

And I appreciate your input. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

barbsdad2003

17 years ago

A single ...

nitpick strikes me spang tween the eyes. And of course the eyes have it, don't they? As to intense in it’s anger, you spell the contraction for it is. I think you mean its. Startlingly beautiful piece. It is. Otherwise. Thanx much, Chuck

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

You are correct

And thanks for the catch. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Skumpfsklub

17 years ago

Poop! Chuck gets the Chellspeck Trophy!

I'd spotted it, and hoped to be the First Picker of Nits for this poem. Alas! I like the theme (as I pluck it out). It doesn't deal with honest rages or resentments, but instead turns an eye on those . . . oh, what the hell, let's call 'em types who must have an enemy, a Nemesis, or they have no cause to live. Those who abandon joy, leaving it behind somewhere in time behind, now wearing only the cloak of feigned happiness when in public. (Mask would not have done as well as metaphor here; not enough drama in that. You put it on, you take it off. Big whoop. But with the cloak as metaphor you have a lot of gestures and, uh, stuff to play with. You don't have to be Freud to find a few targets for this description, aye, in this very room! --------------- I kinda wonder at the efficacy of the bracket rhymes. I think we spoke of this once before? On the distance between rhymes? The limits thereof? Here I think the bracket rhymes are too far apart to be effective couplers of idea, and I doubt that they serve well as aid to memory for spoken presentation. The bracket rhymes here can be only a tiny bit past the limits my eyes and ears impose, but for me, they don't work, except as formal ornament on inspection. My piece "lightly tethered verse" was an early test of the limits of rhyme's power to couple ideas. That piece is WAY past the limit for copulation of idea, and near (but I think not quite past) the limits of end-cap rhyme as aid to memory. Bracket rhymes appear to be even less forgiving of distance. The internal rhymes do good work (except for 'quivers, shivers', which is apparently only redundant). The pair L10 and L11 is especially effective, and I"m tempted to see a mini-poem in that pair alone. (The micro-poem: "Resentment/testament" came to my mind, but it doesn't work, except as a precis, sorta. But your poem touched off that sparky thought-offshoot.) Superior work, on both major axes, and highly effective on the didactic axis as well. Perry "I'd say something pithy, but I'm pithed off right now."

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Good point about the bracket rhymes

Because I agree that while they work from the structure point of view, they do not carry the poem in any meaningful way. And you are correct. we discussed this previously and although I thought they would hold in this instance, they are too far apart to do so and thus become structure in the form of blank verse of a hexameter variety. Thanks for the insight, it is always appreciated --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Jonathan,

this drew me in. I agree with my predecessors that it is well written and that the cloak metaphor is dead on. I feel skumpf may have a point on the redundancy of the quiver/shiver thing, but have to admit that I am guilty of using that very same rhyme in one of my pieces. Quiver is a tricky word to rhyme, I can well remember my own weak attempts at finding a rhyme... Nevertheless, the poem is simply stunning in both form and content. Yours, ~Nina

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Those pesky word choices

You and Skumpf are right and I will most likely revisit and replace the quiver/shiver pairing for the reasons indicated and, in my mind, it creates a question exactly where I do not want a question, in the beginning of the piece. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Apologies

I do not, as a rule, submit a poem and update it nearly daily. My issue here is the, for me, short creation time, some excellent critique, and my own review and realization of minor punctuation issues, of which there is still one that although glaring to me I do not, as of yet, know how to fix. So I beg your indulgence on this and promise not to make a habit of it. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Line 2 Modification

Based on critique and feedback I have modified Line 2. Thoughts and comments are appreciated. The original line: "Falls away and quivers, shivers, and wilts to naught" Was OK but I have to admit to liking the flow and tone of the new line better. It is more direct and less passive and I feel serves to lend momentum to the read. Your thoughts are welcome and appreciated. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Jonathan,

better. Even though the original line did not bug me that much, I prefer the way it flows now. Yours, ~Nina

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Nina

Thanks for the review. Every time I have an issue like this where time or laziness precluded better choices I think back to a critique Jess/Weirdelf gave me on another piece I had thought about for years and spent months writing: "You can do better" And he was right, and so were you and Perry and Chuck and I honestly and sincerely appreciate the time and suggestions. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Skumpfsklub

17 years ago

A note on the grammar of the piece

Don't sweat it. Rules follow utterances; grammar is an outgrowth of descriptive science. The fragment set off by the semi-colon is a bit adrift--but ONLY from the stern prescriptive grammarian's perspective. By the time the reader hits it, the point of this sentence--one remarkable sentence--buys forgiveness and supplies PLENTY of understanding that makes the summary nature of the fragment fully evident. Don't screw with it, Jonathan. It's a keeper as is,, and you're at a developmental flexion point; diminishing returns on further tweaks, in my estimation. ----------- I've had a second thought on the 'quivers-shivers thing.' Yeah, I still think that was merely redundant in the particular context and I see that the substitution you made is more forceful, but I would avoid seeming generally to disparage such redundancies. Razzle-dazzle, hoity-toity, party-hearty, airy-fairy, lovey-dovey, etc. have good uses; the feature is noted as common to all languages, and has adverbial effect (as I understand the linguists who examine such phenomena). E.g., 'a red rose' is not so red as is 'a red red rose'--and if you speak only of 'a red red rose,' your reader supplies that comparison you do not make explicitly. Thus, even 'shiver-quiver' has its uses--just not in the particular situation in which it entered discussion here. Perry

Jonathan Moore

17 years ago

Good points

And I certainly agree of the power, when appropriately used, of redundancy. In the above case it was a lazy choice and did not add to the poem but I am with you and will use redundancy when it fits and adds to a poem. And to your other point, you are correct, I need to let this one be. It will annoy me from a purists view but poetic license will be better served just walking away. Thanks again for the review and suggestions - the picking of appropriate nits is what makes us better poets. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 12 months ago

Last, for now, comment on this

In Suck Free Poetry Volume 2: Prelude to a Battle of Wits, I have a section entitled MOTIVATION AND FOCUS. The following is the motivation and focus for THAT CLOAK YOU WEAR: ------------------------------------------------- Have you ever realized you had meant to do something and suddenly become aware that it was due nearly two (2) weeks ago? Yeah, me neither. Bull. I am the Contest Director for Neopoet.com and for each contest I write a poem as an example of an entry. Well, here it was 10 days after the contest started and I had not written anything and the contest rules did not make this an easy task. Add to that a question I received about the contest that compelled me to make some more difficult choices concerning the 12 line 12 syllable (hexameter for those who must read it) structure that had to have a rhyming pattern. Rather than choose a standard end cap, which is a favorite of mine, I went with the following: Bracketed AA Internal BB Internal CC Bracketed DD Then lather, rinse, repeat for the other two sets of 4 lines. This makes the piece read more like blank hexameter than a standard rhyming pattern and could be mistaken for free verse. So, the motivation was to create an example of a poem for the June Neopoet.com contest but I still needed a subject and fell back to an easy target for m; people who have a visceral need to be unhappy. If you’ve never met a person like this, good for you. I have and it’s wearisome at the very best. A side note, this was originally written in 1.5 hours, which, for me, is blazingly fast. I made a couple of minor punctuation modifications and, based on critique at Neopoet.com, modified line two (2) so that it was smother and created more of an impact. All in all I am pleased with this poem. It is a function of structure that it can lend a finished quality to work that may have been constructed in a smaller than normal amount of time and I believe that is the case here. ------------------------------------------------- And, finally, if you think you might be the inspiration for this work, I can tell you that unless you were married to me, you are mistaken. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Join Neopoet to leave a critique

Neopoet is a free community of poets who critique and support each other's writing.

Join free Log in