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weirdelf
weirdelf
Jul 17, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Evolution of evil - a co-write by Seren and Weirdelf

 


Impatient of life's vagaries,
darkened dreams crawled his mind.
Control was all he sought hereafter,
his thoughts would now be real.
It was a simple device
made by this dark crusader
with no thought but reason or vice.

He stripped off all his ego
sluggish demons did the work
the peeling layers fell to ground
leaving him bare to all around
they admired his naked form
while lasciviously licking their lips
they slowly engorged all that was left
till naught of bones or carcass lay.

His blackened soul rose grinning.
Seeking now he would find
this evil spark that dwelt and lived
within his mind
attracting others of his kind

they clad his soul with mud and gore
in ripples of life this devils whore
he made his way to the world he left
his sin marked his devils form in cleft
and found one of life's vagaries-
when we walk in the devils door
we emerge fore'er bereft.
 


Jayne and Jess
— weirdelf, Jul 17, 2009

About the Author

Region, Country: Sydney, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: The Romantics, The Mersey Sound, The Beats and, of course, The Bard

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Critiques

Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 11 months ago

Sigh…. “evil chat”….

Sigh.... "evil chat".... o my.... you know you have unlocked the devil-advocate heart, eh? ~A "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood." T. S. Eliot
deelilah

deelilah

16 years 10 months ago

Hippie Domination

would be fun for a while---but who would do the work? There's always that, the damnable work. By the way, a readable and ponderable poem. Deelilah
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 11 months ago

And here i thought it was

And here i thought it was only a paper moon... Love ya both.. ~A "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood." T. S. Eliot
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 11 months ago

Jayne and Jess...

I hate I missed the chat that led to this little evil birthing... The first line caused me to stumble a bit, had to go back a few times to figure out why... I think it is in the punctuation, it is delivered as one long line and if spoken that way seems to jumble. maybe "but" before "hereafter", and losing one of the "all"s would help too. just suggestions... the second stanza was scrumptiously done, just fell off the tongue like it was part of me... I liked the rest of the poem as well, you two should have those darkened talks more often... Richard
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 11 months ago

much better

now my mind can wrap with my tongue while reading... that did it! Richard
Rett

Rett

16 years 11 months ago

Sick, twisted and good

This is really a dang good poem, but like Richard, I have a little trouble in a couple of spots. Stanza one and stanza three. Two and four flow smoothly. Following are a couple of suggestions in parentheses that make it flow better to me. Impatient of life’s vagaries, darkened dreams crawled his mind. Control was all he sought hereafter, his thoughts would now be real. It was a simple (little)device made by this dark crusader with no thought but reason or vice. His blackened soul rose grinning. Seeking now he would find this evil spark that dwelt and lived within his mind (within his twisted mind) attracting others of his kind Good show. Respectfully, Rett: "At twenty, if you are not a liberal, you have no heart. At thirty, if you are not a conservative, you have no brain." Winston Churchill
ID

Ink Dragon

16 years 11 months ago

Jess and Jayne,

Richard beat me to it. I, too, wanted to remark on the punctuation, as I felt this piece was a little underpunctuated. Please consider more punctuation, especially at the end of the following lines: ll. 8,9&11 (l.11 could even use a full stop), l.19, l.23 and l.26 I am struggling a little with ll. 12-15: "while lasciviously licking their lips", is it supposed to belong to the sentence that begins in l.12, or is it the beginning of another sentence that runs from l.13 to l.15? Apostrophe alarm: l.22: "in ripples of life, this devil's whore," and l.24: "his sin marked his devil's form in cleft" and l.26: "when we walk in the devil's door" But I enjoyed the ride :) Yours, ~Nina
Seren

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

Big smile cheeky little elf

Big smile cheeky little elf LOL I was waiting to see what you wanted me to do with it he he he (hug) thanks for all the comments guys we had fun writing this ... and yes Jess brings out the evil muse and thats good its all about learning but I have had the best fun doing it (hug) thanks Jess love ya Jayne x x
Fleur MacDonald

Fleur MacDonald

16 years 11 months ago

Nah!!!!

no changes needed, it's fantastic the way it is, I've read it six times and loved it everytime!! kisses to both of you!! And a big hug!! :)fleur
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 11 months ago

A thought surfaced, I was a

A thought surfaced, I was a towhead as a child, growing into a dishwater blonde, and I've played with just about every colour under the rainbow, but ooh, about 20 odd years ago, I dyed it a dark brown... saying it was time for *evil Anna* to come forth. Shadow-self is now loved as much as if not more than my angelic-sweet-enough-to-hurt-the-teeth, Anna. Hehehe. Trouble is ya can't tell one from the other. O, about the poem... next time you get the inkling to talk dirty I mean evil, call me... ;-) ~A "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood." T. S. Eliot
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

Where do I find one of those devices

I'm so sorry I missed you two at chat, as I would have loved to witness the birth of this (mu aha) Eeevil piece. I must have got to read this after you cleared up the part that Richard spoke of, for it read fine for me. I especially loved the second and last verse. The last verse really sets it to rest very smoothly. I do so solemnly swear to be at the next chat either one of you hosts! Love Cat
Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

16 years 11 months ago

Seren & Jess,

I love dark poetry, and this is among the best I've read over the years, It's so close to E.A.Poe. I love this stanza: "His blackened soul rose grinning. Seeking now he would find this evil spark that dwelt and lived within his mind attracting others of his kind" Isn't it what we all do look for like minds, or try and convince them to come to our side. Extraordinaire write on both of your parts! Hooray to the dark side, two more souls have been taken! Thanks for the union it worked out perfectly. Eddie
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 11 months ago

Evil’s wedded bliss,

Evil's wedded bliss, Eddie? I can't wait to see what Seren & Jess spawn... Only the (lurking)shadow knows.... >insert sound of door creaking< ~A "Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood." T. S. Eliot
Seren

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

Just popped back in

To have a read ... just want to thank everyone for their comments ... LMAO @ Anna's comment, the spawn of us is this evil poem ... I loved co-writing with Jess and have enjoyed co-writing in general as I had never done it before I came to Neopoet except for collaborating on music but its a very different process for me .... Its a great way to step out from the ordinary ... Thanks again everyone its great when a poem comes together , its even better when we all get together and write poems that would otherwise remain unwriten ... Much Love Jayne x x
docmaverick

docmaverick

16 years 11 months ago

This piece....

...is definately one of the "thought provoking kind". I thought it was wickedly delightful ! The two of you really do compliment each other, 'tis evident in the momentum of the piece. In other words, there was no obvious, or blatent "tug-o-war", if you get my drift. I enjoyed the "shadow play" in this poem. A dark write that just so happened to accompany a dark mood I've been nurturing. I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me !Lol ! "Write On"! #{:>{)}@==== sincerely, docmaverick.
B

bjp

16 years 10 months ago

Jess,

Noting the comment by Anna, the Devil's Advocate is the lawyer for the Catholic Church in marriage annulment proceedings. His task (know of no "her"s in this situation, since mostly the lawyers are also priests) is to argue for continuance of the sanctity of marriage. He has no client except the institution of marriage. Annulments are far less difficult to obtain than one imagines because the Church asks the question, "was there real (meaning informed) consent?" Most of us walk around with so much undisclosed baggage that it is not that hard to build a case for the absence of informed consent from a sound mind. So, an aside as an introduction to my comments. Most of us take the more colloquial meaning of Devil's advocate. I haven't heard from you of late and if you make some poetry noises it would be a comfort to me. Brian
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 10 months ago

ta cassie

I must admit, the moral ending offended my sense of morality, which tends more to natural or a- morality. Thought long and hard before leaving it in, more for the sake of an ending. Cheers, Jess

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