String Of Pain (edit 1) Plus Seren's (Jayne) Version NEW HS's version

Speachless Cat really beautiful ... I loved it and related to it every single word .. much love Jayne x x x

The recurrence of the pearl on a string of pain is quite fitting. It develops the poem to an acute, feverish situation with no solution at hand. I see, however, that dreams are made of such stuff that the solution tends to be a heartful one, as it happens again and again, for the ghost dwells in the mind. Best Regards, Hugo.

The only lines I don't think quite fit are: "My life is an ocean of trampled grass" otherwise, I think it is beautiful! _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Loved this. Sad but beautiful! Enjoyed reading it. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

There are lovely resonances in this poem - lovely phrases too. I particularly like the following pairs of lines, because they are the most novel: A soft futile whisper In the night’s frozen rain An ocean of trampled grass in fields Where I’ve lain [may not wish to capitalize Where] And I like that the subject is less cloaked. Do you find the writing easier or harder? I think the pearl line is a touch too repeated near the end, where one iteration will likely accomplish more. It is a comfort to me to see your poems. In my somewhat modest experience they are transforming from coded edginess to a more straight forward edginess. Brian

Perhaps; patchwork or trodden instead of trampled? just a sugestion Cat, just didn't like "trampled" in such a great poem. [This, however could be just be me] _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

of heavenly poetry - I have to bow to your craft! Excellent piece Cat - not one jot should be changed from my "perception" (to coin Richard's phrase! Carry on inspiring the rest of us! Bonita j

I second Janice on "trodden" vs. "trampled". And "this mortal domain" or "this mortals' domain"? Otherwise, well done. If your aim is to have this one sung, I see no problem with the repetitions, though when I read it as a poem, I'd like to see subtle variations in them (opening a new dimension to the reader). Yours, ~Nina

I woke in the dead of night and couldnt sleep .... and found this your a naughty woman you werent meant to post it lol ... But I am smiling , thank you, that you thought it could even grace the same page as yours ... what an honour ... Love and hugz from down under Jayne (((((((((((((((((((((hugz)))))))))))))))))))) "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

It wasnt just a surprise but also an honour, Cat for you to like what I did is enough , when you asked for help I was slow in getting round to it LOL but then you did this, and blew me away ... big love from down under Jayne x x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

Seems that you’ve already done some editing on this one and I must say…I like it. This would make a killer rock song, I can already hear it in my head. Nice work ladies. Corey

enda, patrick collins. hi there , this is such a lovely piece really liked the way its strung together it could be words for a song, fav lines are "a soft futile whisper in the nigh's frozen rain "

I love the original version you wrote...I wouldn't change anything...it works. Since you told me these were originally lyrics to a song...I had a play with it to give it a song structure. I have ravaged the words and added others to try to create it into a song that would work...I maybe should have just left it alone...however...I couldn't let it go: String Of Pain (verse 1) On an ocean of trodden grass in fields where I’ve lain Where all my broken dreams are left dying in chains On an beach of broken glass in the sand that I've lain Where my tattered hopes have snapped under the strain (chorus) Life is a pure pearl on a string of pain Where love's a torture of a fevered brain Life is a pure pearl on a string of pain Left whispering in the nights' frozen rain (verse 2) On the sails of my broken mast on the boat I've built Where my broken dreams drown in the tears I've spilt On the door of rusted brass on the house that I've built Where all my tattered hopes have been torn by my guilt (bridge) One pure note in a dying refrain Not worth a damn in this mortals' domain I'm just a tiny flawed pearl on life’s string of pain... ...just a tiny flawed pearl on life's string of pain Be sure to delete this post if you don't like it...I was only playing. kindest regards as always, HS

Just my 2 cents worth [you know I always have a few pennies lying around] The chorous: "Life is a pure pearl on a string of pain" For some reason "pure" doesn't seem to fit here but that is just my opinion. Otherwise awesome!! _________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

Hey, that's 50% mark-up lol _____________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous