mates

How bloody true is this ... might be a tad on the nose but its the cool air of knowing that, that drunk would give his shirt or his life just because :) I can write it ... but its had for me to explain that aussie mateship ... maybe this is the best way ... I had a friend who was sick and they were having a had time of it ... couldnt mow the lawn couldnt clean the house ... the neighbours all chipped in every week a few hours, just so this person didnt have to lift a finger till we lost him and all those same people gathered at his funeral last monday and cried but also celebrated a life lived well and a gentlemans gentleman ... thats mateship \wonderful Haiku Jess ... sorry for my ramble ..but you hit a place in my heart with your cool breath ... love you Jess your a true blue mate Jayne-Chloe

My friend Larry, (poet, inner-city school teacher, artist, singer, songwriter, pacifist, Nondualist, and I would play good cop/bad cop in the spiritual groups we both belonged. There was one in particular--a group owned/moderated by a poet-priest of the orthodox order. Neither he nor I were moderated or banned (unlike other so-called spiritual and/or poetry groups.) However, Larry was always attacked even though his attacks were on the religiosity of the individuals. Not one of them had taken the extra step to question the sense of their beliefs or to take that belief to a higher level where it did make sense. ....Except for a pretty famous poet, Manfred http://www.rocketfrog.com.au/jeremy.html from down under. A true mate. They would argue the finer parts of arguing and both loved his sparring partner (Hi Jonathan!). Larry died suddenly and he was heartbroken. I wonder if those who attacked and were relentless in their hatred for Larry ever felt badly. You never get to make peace sometimes. Thank you for this poem Elfie. Love, Anna p.s. Manfred & I talked on the phone several few times and were friends, however, after Larry died I left the group, and so lost touch with him.

i guess i just don't get haiku's- but i applaud any one who does, i liked yours- it had a great ring, i just don't understand it so well i guess. forgive me

I love the beat poets ,Karouac, and Ginsburg. Your in good company there. Rock hard write, on the bud who has your back. Non of us stand alone. Barry ,,,o,,

Your Haiku is great. Love the title and what a content. Mates, where would we be without them and the rum breath in the face, lol. I have a smile on mine. Love to you and yours, Lyz. XX

so we are alive still this is great hiaku there were some spectacular indifference in the day of those poets great thing about today is one can write like Kerouc and go worldwide and body modification allows many to have Elfin or Elditch ears welcome to the Brave New World!

Jess it's perfect ...because you have evoked that tight closeness, sense of friend in face, raw and relaxed intimacy with the breath and rum. I was a bit frightened too..! peace Sofie

Subject: Yes Structure: yes Meter: 5 Clarity: 4 Style: 5 Suggestions: Since this is a piece where the subject is to revolve around air/breeze/wind/ect. I would have eluded to that more in the title of the piece in order to better tie in the theme. Conclusion: All and all this is a great Haiku and done in true Elfy style. My suggestions above are the reason I give Clarity a 4 as apposed to a 5 but again it is only to do with the title and it is really neither here nor there in the end. Great job Elfy!!! <3 Emarie ________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

rum breath in my face intoxicating, frightful cool air from my mate Subject: (Y/N) Y Structure: (Y/N) Y Meter: (1-5) 4 Clarity (1-5) 3 Style: (1-5) 3 Suggestions: (Essay) The words "rum" and "breath" are causing a stumble for me due to the consonants "m" and "b." To keep with the feeling this is creating and to smooth out the first line, I might try "rum assaults my face" or something like that. This would also add action to the first line and will enhance the message of the 2nd line. Right now, aside from the stumble, "breath" is a fairly passive word and created what I believe is an unwanted juxtaposition of meaning between line 1 and 2. I like the resolution in line 3 and by adding more foreboding in lines 1 and 2, line 3 would become more powerful and effective. Conclusion: (Essay) The Subject and Structure are as per the workshop requirements. The meter meets the exact definition of a haiku of this style, 5,7,5 but with the consonant stumble in the first line it throws off the pacing of the poem for me. In Line 2 the word "frightful" sets a tone not supported in the first line and impedes both the clarity of the message and the overall feel of the poem. Notes: (Essay) This is a high potential poem with some review and modification. Right now I believe there is a disconnect between what you want us to feel and what we end up feeling. I want to feel wary and tense in the first 2 lines and relived in the last. Right now I go from "OK" to "hmm," to "oh" and I want to go from "Wow" to "goodness" to "ah!" --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

I think Jonathan makes an exellent point here.and mends a gap, and completes an amazingly homagenous whole. A duality of meaning is put forward that exemplifies the mixed feelings one may have in a friendship that is almost frieghtening, ie. dependance, Etc. This idea is worthy of some thoughtful consideration. Well done to both of you staunch Neopoets.

I thought this was damn good, except for one thing, "cool" air, I would've thought it to be warm air, or hot air or even cruel air, but cool air? Just something I noticed and perhaps not important but thought I'd mention it. Richard

Subject: (Y/N) Y Structure: (Y/N) Y Meter: (1-5) 4 Clarity: (1-5) 2 Style: (1-5) 3 Suggestions: Is "frightful" a good choice of word here? The poem aims at conveying a sense of closeness, intimacy even. How does "frightful" contribute to this atmosphere? Not at all, on the contrary, it opens the possibility that the person experiencing the "cool air" is repelled by it. Maybe something like "humid" would work better. Conclusion: As the definition given is a fairly loose one when it comes to structure, the "yes" for structure is given based on the assumption that the usual 5-7-5 syllables pattern is aimed for. The subject is redefined by the given definition: "indomitable sense of Australian mateship, humanity must be included". Based on the assumption that an "Australian haiku" broadens (or limits?) the subject choice to human relationships, a "yes" for subject is the logical consequence. A consistent metre, in form of a trochee, can be found. The clarity of the subject is impaired by the use of "frightful" (see suggestions). As the purpose of haiku in general allegedly is to capture a moment in time, the poem succeeds in the style category, but does not excel at it for the reasons mentioned above. Notes: My first thought when I read the definition given: How bloody cheeky! Does he take this workshop seriously? Yours, ~Nina

As I explain above Nina, the word can deepen the poems meaning phsycologicaly, but yes as you say the poem is less clear, becouse of a less clear point of referance, but I believe it is the artists choice to further clarify. but to try to explain everything, or to change the implied meaning to offer a more clear and simplistic focus is self defeating, and in fact can act as a crimp on the imaginitive prosses by overstepping the bounds of definition. Example would be to contain what a human being is by a strict definition, a lot would be lost on what is undefinable. In this is the danger of overclarification, but your point is well taken, and must be taken into consideration by the Poet.That is my view.B

Hello Mr Elf... Since I know traditional Haikus as in Japanese styles and know not of Americano uptakes of such and the fact that this is the first of its kind in Australian format, it is rather good. For me I look at these write for feeling rather than just structure and you have vividly puut a picture here together... a big piss up and you make up with your mates bad breath on you... must have been a good night lol! It quite a powerful write with a good emphasis on the senses with the smell that hazes up a picture from the liquor incense. Beer goggles on... and the spirit arises no subtle hint or twang of rum on the air here! Dale :)

Yeh what freeride said!I agree. B

Workshop scoring: Averages (rounded to nearest whole number): Meter: 4 Clarity: 3 Style: 4 Reviewer issues: Stumble on 1st line, clarity in second line, more salient titles Author response: Intent of poem did not translate, clarity issue Use of "breath" deemed critical to meet workshop constraints, word "frightful" in second line bears review, clarity needs work --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jess, I believe with the use of the word "air" in line 3 you satisfy the intent of the workshop subject. However, if you feel that word is critical, I might substitute a word for "rum" and re-work line 2 to include "rum" and deal with the issue you are having on "frightful." --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Another thought on your haiku Jess.Is it possible that trying to depict such a specific event through the medium of haiku is part of the problem in the lack of clarity desired in it.the essence of what you want to depict and shine the light on is the depth of friendship isn't it. The circumstance of the becalmed drunk is insidental to the theme of friendship. It is the love you demonstrate between friends that is the true center of focus here. It's bad form I feel to impose on a nother poets work but for the sake of the work shop I would like to put forward a possible solution tword clarity and stumble. Though it falls a little short. In my face, breath rum confrontation, calming need cool air from my mate............This is the closest I could come to it. Great worshop B

Blows runbreath on her mate hahahha ;) love ya Jess you have a happy new year your a good mate :) see ya in a couple of weeks love and hugs Jayne x x x

Absolutely lacking in BS--what haikus (certainly as Kerouac would have defined it) are made for. There *is* something intimidating, or as you put bluntly (and as you should) "scary"--about the smell of rum or alcohol of any kind. Unless you're drunk too. Excellent job from the land down under. GB

Somehow you have swept away the stigma of intoxication and replaced it with endearing. lol not an easy feat; but the camaraderie shines threw clear and I am returned to an early morning tent long ago on the side of Mt Hood in Oregon (usa) here to arrogant, magical immortal beings! ken

"No time for poetry but exactly what is," ~ Jack Kerouac. I think you have it - you bring intoxication into that 'friendship' light - that bit of humanity that makes one a "mate". Now I don't claim to know about Australian kinship, but there is no mistaking the bond in your message. I enjoyed this very much. ~Pamela

Thanks for the cultural lesson, Jess. Around here if one is so vulnerable (drunk) it is more likely "they" will kick out both eyes and take the only 20 bucks one may have. I need to admit that I feel as Pugs. I had trouble connecting that last line but only because of the difference in culture. Oh, I have 3 narratives of Jacks by Jack, if you want I will e-mail them to you. I live two streets down from the Keroac homestead :) Mark "some things change, some things do not"

the way the contents delivered makes you great. shan