theladyblue

Dec 28, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Hometown Air

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/5782

*standard 5/7/5

Oh, what winds now blow?

Some say it's a new found hope,

Round down Mill Street way.

— theladyblue, Dec 28, 2009

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Critiques

weirdelf

16 years 5 months ago

This review is part of a participatory workshop

Subject: y Structure: y Meter: 4 Clarity 3 Style: 5 Suggestions: I feel that the use of a Proper place name reduces its scope. Conclusion: There is, to me, a slight hesitation in scansion in line 2. Although correct English "it is" is so unusual compared to the conversational "it's" that it gives a moments pause. Notes: Does Mill St have some historical/current event significance I am missing? Overall it is as evocative as haiku needs to be and commendable for including a philosophical allegory. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

This review is part of a participatory workshop

Oh, what winds now blow? Some say it is new found hope, Round down Mill St way. Subject: (Y/N) - Y Structure: (Y/N) - Y Meter: (1-5) - 3 Clarity (1-5) - 4 Style: (1-5) - 3 Suggestions: (Essay) Line 2 is causing a stumble for me as well. Perhaps "exclaim" to replace "say" and using the contraction "it's" instead of "it is." "Exclaim" or another word in this vein will lend more action and impart more energy into the line. With line three, the abbreviation "St" bothers me. Although I am pretty certain you mean "street" it could also mean "Saint" and, especially in poetry, I want any ambiguity to be intentional. Conclusion: (Essay) The workshop constraints are met without issue but I am stumbling on line 2 and find myself inserting a pause in line 3. I like the subject feel, I am just having an issue with the structure. Notes: (Essay) With haiku and the limitations it imposes the modification of a single syllable can have a effect beyond measure in other styles. I would like to see you review the observations and either make modifications that keep the feel of the piece intact but smooth out the stumbles or explain the method you are implementing. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ink Dragon

16 years 5 months ago

This review is part of a participatory workshop

Subject: (Y/N) Y Structure: (Y/N) Y Meter: (1-5) 3 Clarity (1-5) 3 Style: (1-5) 3 Suggestions: Some polysyllabic words would not go amiss in there, and the "St" might better be spelled out. Abbreviations tend to make for a stumbly read. Some doubt whether the use of the hyperbolic "oh" has a place in a haiku remains, so the first line could be altered into "What winds do now blow?" Conclusion: The poem is in keeping with the given definition of structure, and it also is in keeping with the workshop constraints concerning the subject. A fairly consistent metre can be found, but as all words are monosyllabic, it cannot be argued that this is an above average achievement. The clarity is slightly impaired by alluding to a place the reader may not know, but the reader will definitely get the basic theme of the poem. The poem succeeds on the structural side, but does not excel at the style expected of a haiku ("Often focusing on images from nature, haiku emphasizes simplicity, intensity, and directness of expression.", from the given reference). Notes: Is "hope" too far a stretch here? Usually, personifications/metaphors etc. are not found in haikus. Very good use of punctuation.

theladyblue

16 years 5 months ago

This response is part of a participatory workshop

First of all thank you all for the honesty and time. Weirdelf: I agree with you on 'it's vs. it is'. It was my original intent to use this form instead but somehow I over looked it. Mill Street has no particular reason only it felt good on the tongue and it is a fairly common street name. Pugilist: Again I agree with you on 'it's vs. it is', my mistake. And as for 'St. vs. Street', I dont see the problem with using the word. I just liked the look of it to be perfectly honest. I will explain my feelings on using the word 'exclaim' in my closing. Ink Dragon: I can not argue that this piece is complex in its writing and in this little bit I cant even argue that the meaning is complex but the intention was and I will explain this in my conclusion as well. I understand that haiku's are meant to reflect views in nature and that at first glance my piece does not lend to that effect. I am exploring the human nature in this piece. ( I know I know...not traditional but everyone has a take on everything) Conclusion: I will be changing 'it is' and 'St'; thank you for your observations. Now as for 'exclaim', 'Mill St.' and Nina's issue with the lack of complexity and style: To be perfectly honest, I hate (and I mean with a passion) Haiku's. Nothing personal really, it just seems to be far too simple and quite frankly contrite at times. So I tried to over come this problem with a new idea (for me). I am a huge blues fan. So I thought, what would BB King write...then I thought na...too obvious. So I thought about alot of my favorite songs and they tend to be a more contemporary blues, like Eric Clapton or Marc Cohn for example. I wanted this to read as a clip out of a song (thus the 'Oh') and I wanted to address the traditional 'American Blues' theme of home town issues and poverty meets change. I feel that using 'exclaim' here would make the piece too complex and would not work in song form but that is merely an opinion. While I understand that this will make people think 'what the hell is Mill Street?', I am, in general, ok with that. At least they are thinking. And if I were to heighten the language usage in this I think that my original intention would be profoundly lost, again just an opinion. I am not staying that I am not willing to part with this entire piece or even, what I believe, are its core elements. I am merely letting you in on my take. Please let me know what you think. <3 Emarie ________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

This response is part of a participatory workshop

Firstly, I had no idea that you did not care for the haiku form so well done on willing participation. Secondly, with the replacement of "it is" with "it's" yo are going to be a syllable short in line 2. I understand now the feeling you are trying to capture and the desire to keep things in a blues state of mind but you'll need something in line 2 to maintain the haiku form. As far as the abbreviation form, that is, of course, at the discretion of the poet. I think with additional structure in line 2 you can sell the abbreviation and I might suggest "along" to replace "round down" unless it gives too much cliche and not enough blues. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ink Dragon

16 years 5 months ago

This response is part of a participatory workshop

Emarie, thanks for explaining the subtext on this one. Strangely enough, the piece does work on several levels, and I think that your revisions work well. A much smoother read now. Still, it is a stretch to label this as a haiku (even bearing in mind that you loath the structure). Yours, ~Nina

theladyblue

16 years 5 months ago

This response is part of a participatory workshop

Jonathan: I will always be a willing participant. I would not have signed up if that werent the case. I could have sworn I put an 'a' in there to begin with so my bad. lol I see where 'along' would flow more 'poetically' in this piece however I do believe it would lose some of that Southern flare I'm so fond of lol Nina: I understand it is a stretch but then so was Weirdelf's by that standard. I could have written a thousand traditional haiku's about air/wind/ect. and they would have all been mediocre. I'm not saying that this one is not mediocre but I feel that at least this one has a little character. Thank you all for your reviews and honest responses. <3 Emarie ______________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 5 months ago

Southern feel

I completely understand the desire to maintain the southern feel in the piece. In my normal speech I have a lot of southern inflections and structure due to spending a great deal of time on and around Navy bases in the south while growing up. Most of the time in my writing I am going for a surreal presentation so a lot of the regional qualities of speech patterns drops by the wayside but I do mostly recognize and appreciate them. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

orgami

16 years 5 months ago

Okay

neo Works~ this is amazing i read the original awhile then came back to see an update and read the comments I am very amazed impressed and dazzled at the outcome of all of this a truly great poem here (I have been reading more Anne Sexton) we do become better by work critique and or standing by our works I am not informed enough on tech aspects to help you here on this but know what I like and the Outcome is marvelous I like it

theladyblue

16 years 5 months ago

Thank you O~

you always have a way of flattering and inspiring me that just never gets old...lol im glad you like it! <3 Emarie ___________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

orgami

16 years 5 months ago

smitten by the written

my time is rare for days mostly late late nights busy ol life but I loved this small poem I remember Hiaku well I at one time owned several books but that was many lives ago still under a moon I remember reading a poem I recall such is the power of the draw !

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