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Race_9togo
Race_9togo
Feb 15, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Reminder

down along the frozen tracks
between the commerce rumble
and silence almost living
I found a moment earliest of morning
where shine of sun rose frozen
over snow-bound roofs of sleeping homes
causing me to lift my numbing cheeks
into a grace of brilliant warmth
dawn revealing icy city
patchwork pale golden light
and long shadows frosted blue
whispering of the coming thaw
of battered slabs on frigid lake
where golden sand and forest slumber
soon will lose their winter shrouds
and rise revealed by warmth
still half a world away
but coming slow and sure
as old glaciers calving
into melt of warming water
laid down as drifting snow
ten thousand years from here
— Race_9togo, Feb 15, 2010

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

More from this author

Critiques

R

raskin

16 years 3 months ago

I really like this, great

I really like this, great winter poem. When the sun has risen high enough and breaks the back of winter. The cold gets beaten back. Hope is in the air. I think there is still some work to do on this one but you have a great start. raskin
OK

old friend of kurt

16 years 3 months ago

Unique free flowing imagery...

This is a really fine poem...as it comes to convey a very predominant atmospheric effect, hence...offering up the element of highly compelling free flowing imagery. I came to feel like I was a part of these visuals in which you so very well crafted within this illuminating wording scheme. Wonderfully creative and profound writing. (Also, one of my favorite overall poems on this site so far.) Quality work!! Sincerely, old friend of kurt
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 3 months ago

thanks old friend of kurt,

This is one of those rare pieces that I wrote at the exact moment that I felt it. I was standing outside church, enjoying the warmth of the sun, and it came to me all in a rush, so I scribbled it down right away. I strive with these pieces to immerse the reader in them, to make them experience the moment and have that "I forgot to breathe" kind of thing that several poets here achieve on a regular basis. Glad that you enjoyed my effort so much. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 3 months ago

Jayne

Thanks. You take your time, Sweet Lady, take your time. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
Ross Hamilton Hill

Ross Hamilton Hill

16 years 3 months ago

down along the frozen

down along the frozen tracks between the commerce rumble and silence almost living I found a moment earliest of morning where shine of sun rose frozen over snow-bound roofs of sleeping homes causing me to lift my numbing cheek into a grace of brilliant warmth these first lines have a wonderful rhythm and expression, especially 'silence almost living', great sonics. I love this section. sun lifting over icy city suffused with yellow-golden light and long shadows frozen blue whispering of coming thaw These lines are less impressive, the first two don't tell us anything new and arn't very original, 'long shadows of frozen blue' is terrific but 'whispering of coming thaw' isn't. along battered slabs of frozen lake where golden sand and sleeping forest the repetition of frozen is bad, 'battered slabs' is fine but 'sleeping forest' is cliched. soon will lose their winter shrouds and rise revealed by warmth still half a world away but coming slow and sure as old glaciers calving into melt of warming water laid down as drifting snow ten thousand years from here 'calving into' is a wonderful metaphor, the ending is not particularly memorable but the rhythm and use of alliteration picks up and carries the poem. hope this very academic appraisal is helpful, best wishes for future poems regards ross
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 3 months ago

Ross

I have edited based upon your criticism. Thank you for it; I seldom get any real criticism here these days, so what you have said is very valuable to me. I agree, the middle was weak. I changed it, and I took out the repetition. "Sleeping forest" I changed also, but not the meaning. Cliched or not this is how the Indiana shore of Lake Michigan feels at this time of the year, and the visual mix of sand and forest is signature to this particular piece of our world. Thanks again, Ross, your comments are very much appreciated. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
H

Harvey

16 years 3 months ago

The Promise of Spring

The words carry a message and the message here is, to me personally, a beautiful one -- spring is coming! If you ask me (not that you have), when you write a poem at the virtual spur of the moment and you are happy with it -- never change it based on anything other than your own evaluation of the first draft! A creation like this is very personal -- it is YOU as you see it and nothing is closer to perfection. Loved it!
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 3 months ago

Harvey

Thank you for your kind comments, and your opinion, both of which I value. I have in fact edited this, based upon what Ross said, and he was right. While I do agree that spur-of-the-moment personal writing should be largely left alone, I also believe that criticism from readers, and listening to it, are vital to the process of my becoming a better poet, and I have absolutely no ego where this matter is concerned. It is the point of my being on Neopoet, and I will always take whatever criticism I can get, in order to improve. Thanks again Harvey, I am glad that you have enjoyed my poem. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
UA

U K Atiyodi

16 years 3 months ago

Reminder

I feel like the icy cold hands of death fondling. You make the reader feel what you think. Congrats
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 3 months ago

Thank you very much U.K.,

I am glad that you enjoyed my poem. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
S

SophieHannah24

16 years 3 months ago

Imagery quieted every breath

Imagery quieted every breath inside of me. A deafening silence that made my heart pound to the rhthym of your poem. Your spur-of-the-moment imaginings are breath-taking! I actually thought "whispering of coming thaw" was a wonderful touch. It expressed you, a very talented being. I long to here more new from you. Farewell for now, Sophie Hannah
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 2 months ago

You know,

You're right: I like the "whisper of" better as the original too. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
S

SophieHannah24

16 years 3 months ago

oops hear.

oops hear.
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

16 years 3 months ago

Thank you SophieHannah

You might want to read some of my other work, there are a few like this already written and still on Neopoet (so far). Just leave some criticisms about any shortcomings when you come across them, because I'm always trying to improve. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

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