with the lessening of light

just a hug im speechless

we all know what it feels like to be confronted with death. the more i say about it, the more i destroy the feeling of tenderness toward the dead... you wrote a poignant poem

Sometimes neither a distant sign or a cyber hug is enough. My flesh and blood aches to hold you close Jayne-Chloe. Love, Mum "If parents really would love their children there would no longer be any war." J. Krishnamurti

Ann of Norway If ever there was a poem that expressed death with such art, such aesthetic beauty of sound and silent words, it was, for me, this privilege of a read just now, you transport us from the outer world to the inner, and looking out see such visions that mesmerise and still the heart beats, fill our spirits with a magic excellence of expression that makes us bow in unison with your tears. How you move us dearest sweet Jayne Chloe, how can we ever thank you for this most wonderful journey into the workings of your so poetic mind? Touched to the heart, Ann. "feeling like a caged vulture forced to watch her life-force ebb"

Lovely, the rattle watching it fall was good. Showed the cessation of movement and I thought of a child dying. raskin

The second stanza is so strong, I would consider starting your poem there.

As always a beautiful poem and I wish you well aussie lady, to be very well, I pray for you always. Love, Magics02 "Determination Brings Success"

I don't know what to say, perhaps its because you said it all, wonderful poem from a wonderful poetess...........Eddy

And five more ***** WOW. Truly JC, an amazing description and of the emotion that goes with hearing that particular rattle.... Yes, 'scratching on glass.' 'I knew she would loose.' Do you mean 'lose.' Actually 'loose' makes sense in the sense of letting go. I just wondered. 'the effortless listing of life passed, and was ignored for a time' Sad. Thankfully I'm usually there for mine. Lol Judy (oi.oi.oi)

The first draft of a really great poem. The start is magnificent. The remainder of the poem is good but needs an edit. For example, forced to watch her life-force ebb is better as, forced to watch her ebb and, as the rattle had stopped, in the silence that ruled I wept is better as, with the rattle's silence I wept The first drafts have clichés which have crept in (life-force, silence - ruled). The passive voice has also found a home in "had stopped". It is better here to keep an active voice and remove the auxiliary verb “to be” (had). I won't do the rest for you. But the fact that I have spent more time on the editing and less on the examples of creative work is not my overall impression. That first stanza is absolutely wonderful and the recurring metaphor of the rattling is well considered. It is great to see that you just keep getting better. Love and hugs, Brian

My Mothers voice and somehow to come to this next is like a strange linking in the thought or world word process. Different people different lives ...countries apart and yet the same helplessness expressed by both of you . I think the suggestion Nicole made was a good one but I wondered for you what the relationship betwen the carnation and etched glass was with this write and possibly this person Seabhac

The 'scatching on glass' is important Jayne Chloe. If you do follow Nichole's advice, leave it in there somewhere won't you. I actually like where it starts - I relate to the carnation. lol Judy

You have bravely taken hold of a tough subject here and made it almost a thing of beauty! I give my five stars with bowed head and humble heart!

This is why you are the master! Im in total awe. Just beautiful. Elizabeth

I'm moved.. Mark "I do not walk the earth and eat out of dumpsters, I'm not a bum, I'm beat."

Hi Jayne...Love the new photo and your poem...I'm going to wait until you re-post it to comment. Rosina xena465

I am without words to tell you how this piece affected me. Love, Cat

So I can comment now...I couldn't see how you could make it any better. I've been in a dark place for a few days...dealing with the death of my sister five years ago, but each year when the 1st of March nears, I can't help but hide under that dark cloud again...beautiful writing as always. I'm glad that the cloud has passed once more and I can be my old self again...and with my friend on Neopoet, which I thought I'd lost...thinking I couldn't come back to my writing, but here I am! You're a great inspiration to me Jayne...always have been. Rosina xena465

Just spoke truth to you from my heart Jayne. Your are respected by all who know you...me included of course. Rosina xena465