Winter's end (Seasonal Sonnets III)

Hello Nina.. The last two lines didn't quite roll off my tounge as did the poem till then, till then it was awesome. toungue tastes.. is a bit of a twister. perhaps a word in the stead of tastes. That line rolls into.. the sunbird's ... you might want to try some words in the stead of.. the.. even remove it just to try and see. Very very pretty writing Nina, I likes very much. Truly, Mark "I do not walk the earth and eat out of dumpsters, I'm not a bum, I'm beat."

I see you asked about meter and I only see some words maybe misspelled here and there a tweak or two but then again I see that some words can be spelled in two differnt languages with still meaning. I do not know if you want my ideas so I shall await your answer. I like the sonnett I have never tried one, maybe your inspiration again will lead me to one. hmm like to read this one again my friend Nina the warrior of swords from Germany. love magics02 ooxxxoxoxo trunks of cookies to send your way today Learn to live, learn to forgive. Life is too short.

tongue tip taste the last snowflake sunbird's incarnation soon to awake blaaa lol oh well ... maybe? btw- love that ... snowdrops ;) Mark "I do not walk the earth and eat out of dumpsters, I'm not a bum, I'm beat."

I think the rhythm is the required iambic pentameter almost perfect. Line 6 is only 4.5 iambs. I almost also pointed out line 9, thinking “tired” was 2 sylables but not so in my dictionary. The octet states a problem and the quartet moves to solve it but the last two lines probably do not twist enough. I loved the image of “tired snowdrops venture forth from soil.” in contrast to the “sparkling white now spread” over the soil. The assonance rhyme does not bother me. I am in your boat, preferring not to give rhyme the effect of a jackhammer. I think IMHO you have done a really good job in this poem.

Great poem...lovely images: I think this may be the word that's meant to be in this line! first harbingers of {amaryllic} toil (amaryllis) How about this for the last two lines? the sunbird’s incarnation will soon wake quick to savour the taste, the last snowflake Rosina xena465

I think it is a masterpiece. The words fairly rolled off my tongue and your images set my famished heart to longing for Spring. I love alliteration. Always, Cat

As a fan of Sonnet's, that was a great read. Sorry I am so late, but its already spring in my part of the globe. It was warm and sunny yesterday, not so much today but we still got lots of yard work in! I loved the charm and your choice for ryhme and using uncommon names, even your use of foam. Normaly foam would not be very pretty on a lake, but you accomplished it. And I really liked your last two lines, they filled the sumation very well. Infact they brought a childlike glee that was great to end on. I tried to think of something, but alas I am at a loss. You are much more the teacher than I, but I shall continue to try! Julie D.D.

Firstly, in this case, if I had a question about adherence to a rhyme scheme, I ignored it. We can review that later if you desire. Secondly, all suggestions are [bracketed] and you are free to ignore any and all of them. My focus was to improve the flow of the piece. The meter was not off but the flow of the words when spoken did not always support the image I felt you where trying to create. In some cases I am suggesting new words, in some cases i am suggesting a reordering of existing words. This is, of course, only my take on the work. I will list out my format first and then address the motivation behind the suggestions below: ---------------------------------------------- 01 [seize] frost’s spicy odour, breathe it in deep 02 [catch the] scents [flavouring] night’s [furtive] breeze 03 walk without haste, step [with firm certain] feet 04 enjoy the [crisp] crunching of snow beneath 05 the [sun's ardor causes] coldness to drip 06 as earth is writhing [from] winter’s [last] grip 07 where [whimsical] fields of sparkling white spread 08 [colours supremely will reign] in their stead 09 tired snowdrops [amble] from [their] beds of soil 10 first harbingers of amaryllic toil 11 the cranes and [the] geese will [promenade] home 12 and lilies [will] dot the green like foam 13 [Incarnations of sunbirds] will soon wake 14 quick, savour the taste of [your] last snowflake ---------------------------------------------- 01 This is a stylistic change. I wanted the first two lines to be more active and reflect what I believed was the intent in line 3 02 As above, building on the imagery started in line 01 03 I had a flow issue with the latter part of the line and wanted to re-force the "aware" of "conscious" with the "intent" of "certain" 04 The second "the" before "snow bothered me so I chose to enhance the type of "crunching" and let "snow" stand on its own 05 I wanted to turn a passive action of melting into an active action invoking passion and the sun. 06 "out of" was a stumble for me and by replacing it with "from" I could modify winter's grip. 07 I was not found of the connotation behind "dreamy" and did not like the "now" before "spread." whimsical may not be the best substitute here but I feel the syllabic flow order is improved with a three syllable word before "fields" 08 This is a word order modification only to smooth the flow of the line 09 I wanted to indicate ownership of the soil to the snowdrops and thus needed to clip a syllable from the line and replaced "venture forth" with "amble" 11 "their way back home" did not convey a strong enough image for me while "promenade" embodied the geese and swans with an arrogant dignity they already display 12 "later" as an expression of time to come stumbled for me so I made "lilies" primary in the line and denoted a time to come by using "will" which also implies intent, thus strengthening the line. 13 This is mostly a word order change. I like the image but "incarnations" is a tough sell after "sunbirds'" and by re-ordering the line I believe the flow is smoother. 14 Again, rather than a general images, I felt a more direct image would work better. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)