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D

Dunne Making Love

Can’t stop but want to
Be like a
Compass with
You that points at
Me too
Just wont to
Right but can’t
Find the words…

On the screen, they
Play out the scene of
Lust Anew; Awry
Of
The truth
I seek because I
Can’t feel
You. I feel there’s
‘Athing missing….
(or two)

Like the sweet sweetness
Of the tender kissing and
Firm touching of.
You.

Tied so tightly to the moor
So sure that
You feel it too, this
Newness and Light
Blueness of…

This – Something
I’ve not felt before in
This Life.

Sleeping miles from your
Seeing smiles I can feel.

Your eyes two
Close too
Watch the compass as
It points to me and
Simultaneously;
Mine points too!

You.
— Damo, Jun 03, 2010

Critiques

lou

lou

16 years ago

Like it......

but the first stanza needs smoothing out, maybe you could say 'like a compus that points at you and me .I want to , right ? but i can't find the words.' A feel poem needs a few more tweaks and it will be great. I hope you don't mind my suggestions. lou xx
Seren

Seren

16 years ago

Dear Damo

If a man wrote a poem for me ? I would want it to be something like this one ... sigh ... loved this one you have me speechless love and hugs JayCee P.s nominated :P ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")
xena465

xena465

16 years ago

I'm with JayCee...Super

Also some of what Lou said. There are a few tweeks needed. Great write though Damo. Xena
Seren

Seren

16 years ago

Damo I think that first

Damo I think that first stanza just needs some punctuation a comma or two and it will smooth the flow out perfectly imho love JayCee ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")
D

Damo

16 years ago

Thanks guys

I am kinda screwing around with punctuation and flow at the beginning. It is meant to be a little 'off key' to help create a stuttering/stammering/reaching sensation... also it is a bit of a post-modern wank - there is sparing punctuation in the poem throughout...it is meant to confuse and dare you to push past the construct and find the flow... I'll give it another read over though and see what I can do... it does seem to be missing the mark a little. Thanks for the feed back, I appreciate it...
Seren

Seren

16 years ago

but its not missing the mark

but its not missing the mark at all Damo its a damn good write ... I could see what the ladies were saying but to be honest the first time I read it I realised I had to read it with that off key stammering you mention ... its not always the fault of the writer the reader also has to look to find the rhythm sometimes love JayCee ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")
R

raskin

16 years ago

Great to read, I thought

Great to read, I thought there was a shyness about it. That quality made it fun to read and identify with. raskin
D

Damo

16 years ago

Heheh!

Shyness... that is kinda interesting that you spotted that, raskin... glad you enjoyed it!

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