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Nov 06, 2012
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Reflection (eddy styx)
Reflection
through claret vision
and pain of bad decision
she took stock of her world
keen was the razor
carving her thoughts
slicing emotions
into barbed wire strips
of raw nerves as pain grips
but inscrutable face
revealed none of this
her features were even
lips in sanguine mask
porcelain features
on skin alabaster
but the gray of her eyes
had no sparkle or shine
as if they had seen
the hate of the world
and cruelties defined
reflecting back a flat echo
into a deceased ocean
About This Poem
Last Few Words: eddy styx is my male, murderous, alter ego who writes dark poetry. thanks, Cat
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
BettyBuff
12 years 8 months ago
Sanguine indeed...
Really enjoyed reading this...the lexis carried the theme through and the half rhyming assonance kept a pace. The ending loops perfectly with the beginning. Great crafting.
Regards,
'Betty'
Candlewitch
12 years 8 months ago
Dear Betty,
Thank you so very much for your indepth comment. And welcome to Neopoet! I hope to see more of you.
always, eddy (& cat)
Candlewitch
12 years 8 months ago
Dear Lonnie,
my dearest and most reliable reader...you do me great honor!
always, eddy (& cat)
sueb
12 years 8 months ago
gr8 poem much enjoyed thanks
gr8 poem much enjoyed thanks
Candlewitch
12 years 8 months ago
Hello sueb,
Thank you for your positive comment :) again, welcome to Neopoet!
always, eddy (& cat)
judyanne
12 years 7 months ago
wow eddy
i just love
'but the gray of her eyes
had no sparkle or shine
as if they had seen
the hate of the world
and cruelties defined
reflecting back a flat echo
into a deceased ocean'
- my only suggestion would be to change 'deceased' to 'bloodied' or some other thing - we really know that she is dead, having it actually said seems superfluous
and the reference to lipstick is so clever
- 'lips in sanguine mask'
great write
love judy
xxx
Candlewitch
12 years 7 months ago
Dear Judy,
I enjoy your visits to my page of poetry more than you can imagine :) I am going to take your advice and change "deceased" to another descriptor, just as soon as I find the right one! Thank you for reading and being you.
always, eddy (& cat)
p.s.
how about "torpid" or "moribund"?