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Jan 07, 2013
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VISIONS OF FREEDOM
I listened and heard
in the gurgle
of streaming waters
the timeless tunes
of freedom
I watched and saw
in the flapping wings
of the dove
the boundless joy
of freedom
I stopped and saw
in the face of
the sun flower
beauty of the sun
of freedom
I came and saw
in the face of
a man barred behind bars
the throes of a life
devoid of freedom
Then my heart was gladdened
for the music of the stream
the swiftness of the dove
the beauty of the flowers
the joy of freedom
I stooped and saw
in the little strides
of the ants
the bull in patience
on the paths of freedom
I watched and saw
in the frenzied dance of a tree
the stubbornness of spirit
rooted in the soil
of freedom
I thought and saw
in dark death
escapism from life’s travails
for in a pious death
lies true freedom.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: it reads as it is. just need your blunt and honest comments
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
BlueDemon77
12 years 5 months ago
What can be said?
You have a pure vision of nobility and I agree very much with it.
Beautiful, spiritual poem.
Ron
Dr Rotimi
12 years 5 months ago
thanks for taking time to
thanks for taking time to read and comment. you are quite an encouragement.
Ian.T
12 years 5 months ago
Dr R
A very good read here, the theme was solid, I shall wait for the poets that are aware of correct form to comment further,
Yours Ian.T
themoonman
12 years 5 months ago
Hello,
A warm welcome to Neopoet !
This piece is truly an excellent read although there
is almost always room for improvement.
The title; in my opinion you could be more inventive
there, it does relate well to the theme but it doesn't have
to have the exact same wording, give the reader something
more to think about with a relative title that offers more.
Language use; very good although there are a few places
where I stumble ...
timeless tunes of freedom; tune would be more appropriate use
of language, singular or "tune's" being possessive.
a man barred behind bars; perhaps "held, detained, imprisoned or
many of the ways to describe this instead of using barred which seems
almost lazy to me (again, only an opinion)
Your theme is good, logic consistent and the ending (while I personally
don't agree) is most likely a whole truth for you, and that makes good
poetry.
thank you for sharing with us
Richard