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Jan 14, 2013
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FOGGY NIGHT
Like crowds of people on this night
each random droplet of cool mist
moves errantly 'till out of sight
leaving bare limbs moistly kissed
by tiny jeweled reflecting beads.
And looking at streetlights up high
the motes of water swirl and dance
like pixee dust tossed in the sky.
Their movements are all ruled by chance
none knowing where the other leads.
On this night's damp tranquil stroll
through a world turned wet and chill
although old aches may take their toll
I'll continue up this gentle hill
no matter how my age impedes.
I turn and look into your eyes
and smile as you look back at me
as if I am some type of prize
although not many would agree.
With hands entwined our walk proceeds.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Frenchf
12 years 6 months ago
Was this the old love
Or a new? I felt it was someone who knew you well and accepted your limitations. Was I right?
scribbler
12 years 6 months ago
Hi French
It's the same one I've loved and who has put up with me for 38 years. And though I've grown old she has remained young somehow. Appreciate your dropping by..............stan
Frenchf
12 years 6 months ago
You chose well 38 years ago!
Good luck for the next 38!
loved
12 years 6 months ago
age is just a matter of numbers... of mind
just beautiful Stan......
....""""I turn and look into your eyes
and
smile as you look back at me
as if I am
some type of prize
although not many would agree.
With hands entwined
our walk proceeds
TILL OUR OWN ETERNITY.... add on if it does you please...
younger generations take sex
as a hobby,
how many goals did you score kind!
we old foggies still see
the sunrise in a setting distant horizon
they all laugh mostly at me
toothless guy who will now kiss thee...
the youth is in our arms
we belong to those
whom, we do long
and then the stance changes ...
variety is spice of life
can't you oldie see
what of years associations you talk
coz you can't with many walk...
hahhaaha
scribbler
12 years 6 months ago
Hi Loved
Yeah but sometimes those numbers and state of mind really yell loud lol. Your line goes well with this but adding another line would mess up the rhyme scheme. Appreciate your dropping by.............stan
Frenchf
12 years 6 months ago
Tooth implants
Will sort the toothlessness out and certainly improves the appearance
Seren
12 years 6 months ago
Dear Stan
To have loved so long is a credit to you both I loved the poem I cant see anything except in the first stanza
moisly - moistly ?
another great poem you have been in the zone of late
love JC xxx
scribbler
12 years 6 months ago
Hi sis
I am shocked! The idea of ME making a typo is so out of bounds lmao. I expect Susan deserves more credit for putting up with me than I with her. Now I'll return to the twilight zone and see how many more typos I can make lol..................stan
Jenifer James
12 years 6 months ago
Someone said that love poetry
Someone said that love poetry was not a good thing to write. Of course I don't agree -love is our great emotion (and others of course) - but love poetry is so often written specifically for someone, our gift to them. What a gift for your wife. i am a little envious (in a good way!)
scribbler
12 years 6 months ago
hi Jen
Love poetry Is hard to write without it sounding trite or using worn out phrases. I was hoping this could be read by anybody and them be able to think it resonated with them. I appreciate your dropping by............stan PS feel free to check out my Great Poetry shop syllabus and join in if you'd like