Lonesome

Nights spent working
lost in thoughts
Distraught and lonely.

Never any ambitions
Longing for you
Hiding all emotion.

Forgotten by friends
Invisible wounds bleed
Drowning by isolation.

Congestion of heart
Distinction of solitude
Tears flowing downward.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Comments

BettyBuff

12 years 8 months ago

Well ploughed theme...

Hi,

I can feel the raw hurt in this piece, we've all experienced this at some point. Felt the piece lacked a 'punch'...more interesting structure to underpin the lexis. More poetic devices are needed to bring this home. For example...follow the imagery of the congested heart or the invisible wounds. If you read the poem I posted in 'Great Poem Workshop...John Clare's 'I Am'...he covers the same theme, Although written 150 years ago, it hits home sharply.

Caught my eye...keep at it!
Ellie

Seren

12 years 8 months ago

Hi I don't think I have read

Hi I don't think I have read you before so welcome to neopoet

I agree with Ells crit I think you need to work on this some more
It's all there it just needs that punch I only felt a kind of apathy
when I read this one

I will make sure to keep my eye out for your posts

Regards Jayne-Chloe

Frenchf

12 years 8 months ago

First three stanza's

Stood on their own and had a theme which gripped me
the 4th didnt add anything. I'd personally delete it but I loved the rest