Last thoughts while drowning by Weirdelf (Great Poetry workshop)

It is exquisitely sad

Just what Jess needed.....to be called great lol. But seriously I think the simplicity of words added to the near concrete form of this serve to reinforce the massage and this IS excellent (for a free verse lol).............stan

and others who have commented. I'm totally chuffed.
What can I say? Stan's request in posting other Neopoet's poems was to get suggestions to make them better. One frequent suggestion when I first posted this was that it needed meter, however there are two problems there. One is the concrete, diminishing structure makes that difficult. The other is something I discovered running workshops on meter. Adding or changing meter in a poem already written is to me like repeatedly bashing my thumb with a hammer. It takes great fortitude and perseverence and is seldom worth it. For me, to write in meter, I need to compose in meter.

Any other suggestions?

I hear the bubbles, and the howling wind,
a scream of the last breath,
what a thought, to be in such a situation,
although its kind of complete,
as there isn't anything to do to save the "me"
perhaps one can swim, as one was born in water,
in the mother's womb,
little babies can do it straight after they are born.

But that's not commenting on the actual layout
and content of the poem from the technical point of view.
I find it an odd shape, perhaps trying
to look like the descending, to nothing.
If so it could have been made even more emphasised.

haps I should have learned to
swim better maybe it wasn't
so smart to paddle out in a
fifteen foot cyclone surf on
a foam board mum and
dad will be so mad I
wonder if
I'll get in
trouble?

They
say
your
life
flashes
before
your
eyes
when
you
die
this
shouldn't
take
long,
I'm
only
twelve.

Well great, hm! I am not so sure that this one will reach that status.

Love Ann.

and I like it now. Good choice, Barbara. I think that the presentation, form and topic all make for a great poem. It may be, that it could dwindle a little quickly in the form, but I think he got it pretty damn close.~ Gee

taking Stan's suggestion and enhanced the rhymes and part-rhymes and Beaus suggestion re the nature of the craft. Not Anne's and Gee's suggestion regarding the form, as surf and drowning are not very concrete.
http://www.neopoet.com/node/last-thoughts-while-drowning-brainstorming-…

poetry with sad sentiments always touch us . We need to read something that shocks us and awakes our grieves every now and then. I think this is how this piece touches me. Great piece and choice Barbra.

To try and write a Concrete piece about the sea, well our words and lines go longer or shorter, the sea goes up and down.
(Lateral thinking is needed)
In this one it has to stay as it is, we can then say it is the in and out breathing of the boy, to the lap of the waves using the "Snap" of the Board to become the focus point where the sea becomes a breathing thing..
All in all, too hard to make out of concrete.. (Concrete seldom floats)
It is a very good piece as is, without trying to make it into a form.
Yours Ian.T (and "Mulberry Harbours" from me)

Great economy that urges the mind to find recognizable places and perhaps situations. This is a damned fine piece and does indeed get my assessment of being great.

Ron

Iambic Pentameter poem:-

Poem.....Poem.....Poem.....Poem.....Poem,
Great..... Great.....Great..... Great.....Great.
Grating...Grating...Grating...Grating...Grating
Badly......Badly......Badly......Badly.....Badly.
Written...Written...Written...Written...Written,
By me....By me....By me....By me....By me,
Ian.T......Ian.T......Ian.T......Ian.T ......Ian.T

Couldn't resist this one as it was a play with words La La...Sparrow