Plastic operation

nails smell of layered shellac
hiding the ridges of housewives hands

leg wax smeared and whipped off
hairless corpora 's attractive to man

eyebrows threaded, cream applied
prevents reddened skin looking wan

YSL perfume, five dollars from China
B.O. hidden as only it can

bikini line hairless in operating theatre
Exposed post op to the bedpan

Why bother waxing pre surgical knife
Better to save it for holiday tan

Wien your breasts are double D
Totally enhanced, you may need a fan

To subdue alpha males around you
Or a sign on your breasts saying sex is banned.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Women coming for plastic surgery. I incorporated changes suggested and redid this

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Uk south east London

Favorite Poets: Wilde, Keats, Shakespeare, Benjamin Zephaniah , Browning Elizabeth Barrett and Robert, Turkish poetry, rudyard Kipling, arctic monkey song lyrics, Pam Ayres, Donne, Beatles Simon and Garfunkel song lyrics

Comments

scribbler

12 years 4 months ago

Hi French

I almost never offer a rewrite but I think the message in this poem deserves the effort so I'll do what I shun in order to give you some ideas on how You could improve this (as if I could) :
shellac smelling nails glued firmly on
to hide imperfections on a houswife's hands

wax smeared and yanked off long legs
making hailess limbs more attractive to man

eyebrows plucked, cream roughly applied
so red skin won't look so dry and wan

five dollar perfume from China
to hide nervous sweat if it can

bare bikini line for the surgery room
unnotice by he who must hold the bedpan

why bother with it presurgery
best save the trouble for holiday tan

Breasts stuffed double D
enhancement begs a fan

to cool off horny males
with a sign "sex is banned"

* just a quick bunch of alternative, I expect you can do much better than I did.....................stan PS if it were mine, I'd put it in quatrains to enhance rhyme

Frenchf

12 years 4 months ago

YOu are a master. Yes much better thank you

I'll try the copy and paste technique

scribbler

12 years 4 months ago

LOL

When I fish I might be a master baiter but That's the only kind lol...........stan

MichelleK

12 years 4 months ago

Interesting insight

The rhyme is understated and subtle; in my books, this is a great thing. Rhyme (in my opinion) should never bog down or inhibit the aural reading of a poem.

The symmetry to the stanzas is really pleasing visually and gives a nice 'clean cut' feel to it - enhancing your theme of plastic and surgery.

This works well overall, but there are a lot of relative clauses that would just work better as normal clauses (eg. legs with wax smeared and whipped off). There are also some banal words (totally, 'cool down') that can be changed as they don't affect the rhyme.

Hope this helped! Great poem:)