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Rula
Rula
Mar 06, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A full-load pack ( a minute poem )

I'm back. I'll pack my pains and ails,
my tears and wails
I'll pack them all,
with aches that bawl.

I'm back with suns, I'm back with moons,
with stars won't swoon.
I'm back with smiles
that last for whiles.

I'm back. No doubts, no cries, or tears
Nor ounce of fears
but trust and care
with much to share.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: More about the minute poem in the link. http://www.poetrymagnumopus.com/index.php?showtopic=1101

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

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Comments

Rula

Rula

12 years 4 months ago

thank you

Suggestions? I will be grateful

F

Frenchf

12 years 4 months ago

Hope I'm not confused but

I looked at the example you provided and I think those changes no or nor and that still maintain iambic form. Let me know if not?

Rula

Rula

12 years 4 months ago

of course

I was refering to the changes in the 2nd stanza
As for the third, which do you think works better

No doubts, no cries, no tears
nor ounce of fears

Or
No doubts, no cries, or tears
no ounce of fears

Rula

Rula

12 years 4 months ago

Hi fee

I was seeking which grammatically is more appropriate

wesley snow

wesley snow

12 years 4 months ago

Grammatically.

"No doubts, cries, tears or ounce of fears."

Not very poetic is it?
Let me be perfectly scholarly here...
This is whimsy. It is a technical poetic form characterized by... well, mostly a lot of character. Humor, that thing that perplexes us Vulcans so.
Therefore, under this rule structure that isn't exactly a rule structure, my suggestion is to go with the repetition.
Know this also... it is grammatically incorrect to use "nor" after a use of "no" or any other negative. We must use "or". So being that it is grammatically incorrect and this is whimsy... go for "nor".
Why didn't I get a press release or something about this poem before it was released?

I like it very much and is demonstrating a side of you I haven't seen recently.