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Mar 16, 2013
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so me thinks
I think I saw you last night,
in the far distant shadow of my dreams …
you were screaming,
perhaps I couldn’t hear clearly,
was it my name
as you traversed over my bodily carpet
unknowingly fast you paced
and trampled me …
oh what a beauty
you could be someone shouted
darling it’s not he, tis me
and
you ran back into the shell
as I could imagine
but now twas hell …
all dunky dory
heaven and hell
rang bells of glory,
not for thee
but me…
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Frenchf
12 years 4 months ago
Hunky dory?
Not dunky dory?
A dream?
BettyBuff
12 years 4 months ago
I liked this
The 'dunky dory' I feel was just used to fit with the glory...'hunky dory' is the proper term. The only thing that jars is the use of the archaic terms 'thee' & 'twas'...again, I think used for a rhyming device.
Really liked the phrase...'as you traversed over my bodily carpet'...I think you could expand on this idea and extend the metaphor of being 'trampled'....more of this sort of work please.
Ells :)
loved
12 years 4 months ago
thanks Betty
the only trouble with me
is I am an off the cuff poet ...
it just comes naturally to me
but then as you say,
i will try soon
some day
to make amends