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Josephus
Josephus
Mar 27, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Remember Me

Remember Me…
When the air is soft
When the forest breathes
When the water sounds
When the sun is ripe
I will be your friend

Remember me…
Where the sands sigh
Where the snow deepens
Where the clouds weep
Where noise is constant
I will be your refuge

Remember me…
When all is turmoil
When peace is illusive
When rest is over the horizon
When the day is broken shards
I will be your comfort

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Canada, CAN

Favorite Poets: The next one I read. I thoroughly enjoy reading the works of amateur poets. Neruda is my hero but absolutely no one has a better way with words than Shakespeare.

More from this author

Comments

Ross Hamilton Hill

Ross Hamilton Hill

12 years 3 months ago

Hi

this is very melodic and I can hear it being sung. My only problem is the last stanza where the meter changes

When rest is over the horizon
When the day is broken shards

these are fine lines but they change the meter

When rest is over
When the day's broken

this would keep the meter.

I don't think you need 'for I am you' it is too obvious a religious idea and sounds didactic.
'Remember me' is fine, you could repeat this a fewl times as an ending. Your images are very original, I loved this.

Josephus

Josephus

12 years 3 months ago

Thank you for this.you bring

Thank you for this.you bring a fresh and informed set of eyes to my work that speaks to contexts and concepts I had not considered.

Thanks again,

Joe

Josephus

Josephus

12 years 3 months ago

Thank you

Thank you for the intuitive comment, Ioved.

Joe

loved

loved

12 years 3 months ago

hello sailor solo still!

I am forever in search
of those who wish to
be remembered
when we want to

many then run away and say
I’d not meant it that way

so be gone like a summer's eve
many who love me the way I do
Only need remember me
how passionate I can be
just don't forget it
that's what I had meant when
I said remember me ...
Well friend now do you see
what I'd meant it to be.
a solo sailor still
is what even now I be.

loved

loved

12 years 3 months ago

thank you

sailor for your Blessings
I need most of it