Geezer

Apr 10, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Yang and Yin...

The Golden Dragon of the Sun
chases his brother from the night

Through the hallowed heavens they race
It is more like play than it is fight

The scales of each fall from the sky
Silver scratches on ebon’ sheet

Amazing to our humble eyes
This delicious, wondrous treat

Black Dragon of the velvet night
pushes the moon across the sky

Keeps the silver disk from falling
making sure it’s high and dry

Golden Dragon of the burnished day
blows fire and warms the field

Night Dragon flees his brother's breath
though he doesn't want to yield

The edge of Earth, the shore of sea
waits for them to let one fall

Rocky ledges, mountain streams
reflect like movies on the wall

Now if the rain and snow obscure
the silver moon and golden sun

Be sure they're still doing duty
Keeping time and having fun

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I tried to find the story that inspired this poem, but can't remember where I saw it. I changed the format of this, after reading and trying to fix the flow. Thanks to some constructive critique, I think it is better if not totally fixed.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Seren

12 years 3 months ago

Dear Gee

I have the book now and I read the story I will scan and email it to you tomorrow I am tired as tonight lol been a huge day, You know how much I love dragons so this appealed to me, there are a couple of places that could use some streamlining read it out loud and you will see where I mean

love and higgliest bugs JC xxx

Geezer

12 years 3 months ago

I made some...

I made some big changes in this poem! I decided that the form was wrong for this one and retooled it!
I changed some words and moved some of the lines around. What do you think?
Thanks for the read and critique. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

scribbler

12 years 3 months ago

Hi Gee

Well I se Jayne has already pointed out that this needs a bit of tweeking. The most obvious place to me is in the fifth stanza where they flow becomes pretty short compared to the rest of the poem. But overall this is pretty darn good and fun to read...............stan

Geezer

12 years 3 months ago

I did some...

real thinking on this one, and decided to change the form to the way you see it now.
I felt that the flow was greatly improved by change; what do you think?
I also changed some of the lines and switched some of the positions of the lines.
I guess what I am trying to say is: Thanks for the critique and comments. ~ Gee

Ian.T

12 years 3 months ago

Gee

Love the Dragons that depict day and night, it is another picture to take our eyes to another level of thought..

This Line
It is more play than it is fight..
Can it be better if:- It is more of a play than fight..

Love the shooting stars from the "ebon' sheet" beautiful picture..
"Ebon" A new word but apt, though even ebony would be just as sweet.
Yours as always Ian.T

Geezer

12 years 3 months ago

I've never...

had a problem with making a new word, if it says what I want it to and people understand what I meant.
I tried to keep a certain cadence, even though I didn't succeed in some cases. I hope you like the new version as much as you did the first one. Thanks for the read and critique. ~ Gee