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Fly
He twirls and whips through the trees,
A gentle breeze or a cough and a sneeze.
My hair is teased as he calls my name,
“I am the wind and I’m glad you came.”
I cannot see him, but I start to speak,
“Oh wind, carry me to mountain’s peak.”
“No, dear child, your skin is too thin,
You’ll be dead by tomorrow, I promise I’ll win.”
What’s there to win, when you have nothing to lose?
I gave him my terms, but I have no right to choose.
The useless wind who laughs when I weep,
As he dries my throat, and I COUGH COUGH COUGH to sleep.
Maybe my skin is thin, but he has none at all.
How does he fly, he’s neither short nor tall.
He has no wings yet he sings,
“Sleep, child, from the mountain I’ll let you fall.”
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Roscoe Lane
12 years 5 months ago
There's,
There's so much to like about this poem, but it needs a little smothing out. etc.. take away the and's or's and as from the last three lines of the first verse and try it. Regards Roscoe...
Roscoe Lane
12 years 5 months ago
PS,
PS, A HEARTFELT WELCOME TO NEOPOET.
Ian.T
12 years 4 months ago
Gabbers
This is much better just sort out the and's and the few things Roscoe said, and it will be top line, Yours Ian.T