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Geremia
Geremia
Jul 20, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

JOURNEY=updated

JOURNEY

Leaves fall golden crimson red
on a cold autumn ground
and taken by the wind
twirling round
they dance their dance
of the dead
like souls heaven bound
in communion

Les feuilles couleur dór
cramoisie
sur une terre froide d'automne
tombent
emportées par le vent
en rond
elles dansent
leur danse des morts
comme les àmes
vers les Cieux'
en communion s'enfuient

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

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Comments

Ross Hamilton Hill

Ross Hamilton Hill

11 years 11 months ago

Hi there

This is a pleasure for me as I can read most of the french (with a little help from the english version) and also pretend that my pronunciation is ok, since no one can hear me.
I think 'en rond' works better than 'round and round' which sounds too much like a machine to me. I also like s'enfuient (once I looked it up) rather than the last english line which is a bit spiritually vague. Always a pleasure to read your work.
regards
Ross

Ian.T

Ian.T

11 years 11 months ago

Joe

Loved the double talk, only one tiny, tiny bit.."and taken by the wind"
would this be simpler without the "and"
Loved the write though as usual,
Yours Ian.T

Ian.T

Ian.T

11 years 11 months ago

Joe

Stet is the word let it stay without change lol Have a great day.
If I inspired this then I think, I just jogged your memory a little lol
Yours as always, Ian.T