Rula

Sep 16, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

The Bottom Line

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Rula's iamb quatrain (Bottom Line WS)

If only words could tell how pretty she's.
She makes the golden sun in clouds to shy.
The moon, occults its silver beams afar
and stars in niche, when Eve has crossed his sky."

if o-/nly words /could tell/ how pre-/tty she's,
She makes/ the gold-/en sun/ in clouds/ to shy.
The moon,/ o-ccults/ its sil-/ver beams/ a-far
and stars/ in niche, /when Eve/ has crossed/ his sky."

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Cliche! I know but that's all what comes to me.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

wesley snow

11 years 9 months ago

Bravo Rula.

A perfect example of Iambic Pentameter.

Ian.T

11 years 9 months ago

Rula

Well done on this one, though to me the last word in the first line is questionable:-
If only words could tell how pretty she's.
If only words could tell of her beauty.
The use of she's at the end of a line, it is usually used in the middle of a line or at the start like:-
"She's as beautiful as a butterfly" (From a Song),
this makes it belong of the lady.
To put "She is" at the end sounds wrong and out of context when it is abbreviated or what ever the phrase for "She's" is.
A peculiarity of English young one I hope that Wesley can help on this one.
Take care and have a lovely day out there, Yours Ian.T

BlueDemon77

11 years 9 months ago

Hi Rula!

This flows really well and your parsing examples are very helpful in getting the meter correctly. Some things, like the use of "occults" as a verb and the "she's" at the end of line one are distracting but in the assignment of doing the meter (and subsequent cadence) are very good.

Thanks,

Ron

Rula

11 years 9 months ago

Hello Ian and Ron

Many thanks for the heads-up. I didn't like the "she's" abreviated at the end either. Notice taken.:)

However Ron, as for occult, I believe it works as a verb to mean "to shut from view/cover/eclipse which what I wanted in that verse. If I am not using it the right way please let me know. I am here always to learn.
Thanks again gentlemen.

BlueDemon77

11 years 9 months ago

It seems you are correct...

Technically, the use of 'occults' as verb is correct according to the online dictionary sources I checked. My apologies; I hadn't seen it used that way before.

Ron

wesley snow

11 years 9 months ago

AND...

... I said I didn't care if the quatrain made sense so long as the meter was correct... which it is.

scribbler

11 years 9 months ago

DAMN!

We're supposed to PARSE the quatrain too?...................stan

Rula

11 years 9 months ago

No Stan

You are not supposed to parse it. I or Wesley will.

wesley snow

11 years 9 months ago

Thank you Rula.

Everyone... you need only scan the three lines. The quatrain will be scanned by everyone in discussion.

Ian.T

11 years 9 months ago

Rula

I think that the word you may have been looking for is "occlude" which is to hide obstruct, not to keen on joining the Occult, though it is Magic, lol.
Have a lovely day out there,
Yours Ian.T