docmaverick

Nov 03, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Could You Borrow Me ?

Could you borrow me your limbs, sometime...
..that I might increase my stride ?

So that, if events should turn on me,
I could run, if I could not hide;

and with the added reach, your arms
would kindly lend to me,

I'd carry both our burdens, so...
..and I'd do so, easily;

and if by chance, you minded not
sharing with me, of your will...

..the added dertermination, I'm sure
will help me climb each hill;

for, I'd have extra energy
courtesy of your very soul,

not to mention, great integrity
from accomplishing, each goal;

and, when your heart smiles, weary
from helping me do my, best...

..I'll save enough, to carry you,
to where we both, can get some rest !

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

About the Author

Region, Country: The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A.., USA

Favorite Poets: Keates, Poe, Dickinson, and Dr. Seuss. There are a smattering of others, but why bother listing 'em all, ya know?, I also rely on a few of our poets, here....for advice, and what not. I couldn't possibly explain what a fountain of live, effective knowledge we have...right here in our midst ! To catch a glimmer of brilliance, merely visit: the Stream.

Comments

Race_9togo

14 years 7 months ago

Hey Doc,

Good to see you again.

This is real good; I like the rhymes, and the cadence is wonderful.

There are some pauses, mostly commas, that threw me off just a bit, but then, that's how people talk, isn't it.

;)

Good to read a poem of your's again, Doc.

lou

14 years 7 months ago

Hi

I like this poem but I would change the first line and say ' lend me your limbs, so that I might increase my stride.' because it is a better use of grammar. Apart from that little bit, I really enjoyed reading the poem. Good job.

Lou

docmaverick

14 years 7 months ago

Thanx.

I went with a sort of, "simpleton"....(because of such unrealistic endeavors), so's, he supposed to speak bad grammer.
Just maybe...he never really knew his grammer, at all.
doc.

lou

14 years 7 months ago

yup

I felt the poem would make more sense if you changed the first line, obviously it was only a suggestion.

lou

judyanne

14 years 7 months ago

i read above comments first this time

which i don't normally do
glad i did 'cos i was going to comment on the 'borrow' too

i still will doc, as i think it does detract from the sweetness of the ending
'and, when your heart smiles, weary
from helping me do my, best...
..I'll save enough, to carry you,
to where we both, can get some rest'

i would prefer 'could i borrow your limbs sometime...'

but it's your work - i think it sound fine as it is - just my personal preference (the english major in me won't allow too much leeway with grammer i'm afraid)

great write - i thoroughly enjoyed it
you have given an energy to the write - i'm still trying to figure out just why that is...
but i agree with jim in that you have quite a few superfluous commas...

love judy
xxxx

docmaverick

14 years 7 months ago

Very much appreciated...

..all of you. I'm sorry for not replying sooner, but I'm having a dickens of a time consistently reaching the site.
doc.