mand

Nov 14, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Selection Of Haiku's

Sunburst Cherry    White scented blossomsbloom, Um! So juicy and plump cherry opal fruits.   Temples Of The Sun  Tiny specks of dewsparkle a sanctum of lightbursting with colour. Water Feature Silver slick waterbubbling up diamond rocks,cinnamon sun splashed.  Hinomaru ( "circle of the sun" ) Just before sunsetwispy clouds flame the sky red,shadowing the hills. Where Water Falls ( Haiku ) White water rapids rush over a precipice, wailing summer rains. Seasons Of Plenty Woodland blackberries,un-picked and left to whither,Seasons of plenty. Slipper Lobsters  Young slipper lobsters,
like refined crystallized glass,
minutely sculpted.  Snatched By A Blackbird An old dragonfly
beneath a raspberry leaf,
snatched by a blackbird.  Scattered Moonbeams Rainbow winged fairies
dance around midnight flowers
scattering moonbeams.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: You can buy a Sunburst cherry tree that flowers beautiful strong scented white blossoms. Cherry opals are bright red gems.

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Comments

Ian.T

11 years 8 months ago

Mand

Great selection of Haiku, just take note of the description of Haiku and Senyru.
Western poetry is given leeway to use these terms and forms, the strict 5-7-5 of the Japanese can be wavered slightly.
This one under is 6-7-4 but all the others are perfect in their syllable count, the choice of Senyru or Haiku can be in both camps..

Diamond encrusted, 6
silver slick, water running, 7
rippling shadows. 4

I find that a lot of problems come from accents and how individuals stress different parts of a word.
So you have done excellent on this group, Yours Ian.T x

mand

11 years 8 months ago

Hi Ian

I hope all is well with you and family!

Thanks for coming by to read and comment - much appreciated!!

I saw diamond as dia..mond ( two syllables ) - which should actually be 3 syllables and rippling as ripp..a. ling ( three syllables ) - which as you rightly say comes from the way I pronounce it. - but it should be pronounced "ripp..ling".

I've started to use a syllable count - on another poetry site ( though I haven't joined the site as a member ).

Anyway thank you soo much for your help - I've changed it now to conform to the right syllable count.

Thanks again.

Love Mand xxxx
.

Seren

11 years 8 months ago

Mand

These are lovely Haiku I enjoyed experiencing them all, I noticed the same as Ian with the 6-7-4 ? I have been reading a lot of haiku lately I love the form and I plan to write more. You've done a great job with these

If you like cherry opals you should see some of the opals mined here in Australia I have quite a few pieces with opal my brother-in-law owns two mines so I've been lucky to get some beautiful jewelry given to me, there is a place not far from where I live that mine Black opals they really are beauties.

love and hugs JC xxx

mand

11 years 8 months ago

Hi JC

Glad you liked this little selection! Every now and again I have a desire to write them, I'll probably add some more to the list as time goes on! Saves putting them up individually. Te he.

I've changed the "water feature" poem ( Thanks for your input ) I didn't realize how different we all see syllable count.

I've never seen a cherry opal in real life, it must be fabulous! I happened to come across a picture of them when googling gems the colour of cherries. I will google black opals to see what they look like. ( almost makes your mouth water ).

Thanks JC I really appreciate your's and everyone's help!

Love Mand xxxxx

mand

11 years 8 months ago

Hi Eph!!

I'll be by to read your stack of crass haiku's me thinks they are going to be funny. Glad you liked this little selection ( which will be expanding as and when I get the urge! ).

Great of you to come by to read and comment - always good to have you aboard.

Love Mand xxxxx

Emina Smajevic

11 years 8 months ago

this is so so good I really

this is so so good I really enjoyed ;)

mand

11 years 8 months ago

Hi Emina

Thank you! Kind of you to make such a lovely comment - I feel greatly encouraged.

Hope to see you soon.

Love Mand xxxx