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Dec 07, 2013
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Nightmare
A tantalizing sight amongst the dream of days
an almost imperceptible image as the sunlight plays.
I reach out but find reality wanting
I falter and hesitate to seem assenting
to dark and lustful thoughts arriving
from the murky fog of magical mountain pathways.
The likeness takes on a sensual presentation
Should I flee this fast approaching demon
Dark and heavy beside the tomb
over-powering dazzling lights in the gloom.
Crazy! This fast approaching portent of doom
creates no response just absolute resignation.
Extricate yourself from desperate endangerment
the path you choose should enable you to circumvent
this hopeless and insane inaction,
initiate a swift reaction
you need affirmative distraction.
Or else prepare yourself for lasting torment.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I am still feeling my way around on neopoet but am beginnning to see the light
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Artyfax
11 years 7 months ago
Thank you ...
... I think. Yes I recognise a difference.
I have specifically been trying to create something which is not bland (the previous examples) but have not found it easy. I am pleased that in this case it seems to have worked.
I wish it were available on a tray! :)
Maybe neopoet will help me given time
John
nokros
11 years 7 months ago
very easy wordplay...
just gaurd against forcing the rhyme scheme. you've got talent.
Artyfax
11 years 7 months ago
Whoops, be careful ...
... I don't want to be buying a new hat :) But seriously thank you for making my day.
John
scribbler
11 years 7 months ago
to all
I am presently reviewing all commentary relating to this dispute..............stan
billypringle
11 years 7 months ago
For all your well meant mischief...
You really need a huge reassessment of your writing. You overwrite. It's just not necessary to load your writing with such mouthfuls of multi-syllable words, there's no need for it, cut down wherever you can, find brevity where you think there's none - try and avoid the commonplace two line rhyming sing song rubbish the rest of these people use over and over as if poetry is limited to them by some sort of birthday card company. Mediocrity is something they aspire too and every shrill little quip or half witted shriek just underlines their moral and creative bankruptcy. You on the other hand do have something and that's objective insight.
Jimm