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Feb 11, 2014
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It Was A Long Forgotten Walk
It was a long forgotten walk
the way back home,
no birds lit up the sky
with song,
the trees had died,
all their leaves had run away
and the evening shadows were tall.
I waded through the frigid air,
each step a thought,
each breath was asking why,
but silence
was the answer that you gave
and when I looked no one was there
but ghosts of dreams
left lingering in a grave.
Are those the stars,
or God's own tears that glisten
in the sky?
I close my eyes,
forgetting all and lie down
still to die.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
11 years 5 months ago
Williams
I have no words to express how alive each word, each line feels, it enveloped me in the mood it created while I read through and through. If this you call as a "rough draft" I can't even imagine where you would find room to tweak it up...i could find none...thanks for posting this..
Regards,
William Saint George
11 years 5 months ago
Your words are kind, Raj.
Your words are kind, Raj.
Thank you.
raj
11 years 5 months ago
Williams
Please believe me, what I said is what i felt.
Regards,
Dalton
11 years 5 months ago
Hi William
I found I appreciated this poem even more the second time I read it. It seemed like a lost soul looking out for a lost love. Maybe I'm way off. But it seemed to resound with this feeling. Still I enjoyed it and would be interested in hearing your plain views as to what provoked this poem, provoked or inspired whatever the word is.
Keep them coming brother
Seren
11 years 5 months ago
William
What can I say ? you do sad soooo good my friend, at this minute I cant find anything to suggest, I have an abscess in my mouth and I am reading to take my mind off the pain beyond that I am useless tonight, sorry
Kudos
love JC xxxx
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
love the emotion
love the emotion in this piece, bro.its raw and its reaching deep into me.bravo!
Alid
wesley snow
11 years 5 months ago
The language is excellent.
I have to comment on the punctuation though. The use of commas throughout is excessive and unnecessary. This is one poem that actually could get away with nothing more than the question mark. Most troubling is the use of a comma before the word "and". "And" is a rejoinder and does the job of a comma. It separate two halves of a sentence and should never be used twice in a sentence.
I say this out loud because of our history in discussing mechanics.
Otherwise the poem is dark, mysterious and gorgeous.
William Saint George
11 years 5 months ago
You've mentioned this before
You've mentioned this before about my submission to your sempiternal workshop. It makes me uncomfortable getting rid of punctuation, but I'll get them out now.
.
wesley snow
11 years 5 months ago
Don't get rid of it.
Actually, on a second read I found very few problems. I don't know where my head was at. Workshopidis I suppose. The only two problems I found are below.
each breath was asking why(,) Since "why" precedes "but" you (god help me) need to add a comma.
but silence
and when I looked(,) no one was there This comma is the only one that needs to be removed. Sorry for my earlier comment. What was I thinking?
Rula
11 years 5 months ago
Sad!
A touching piece Williams. I hate to say it, but can't think of anything to improve.