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Feb 18, 2014
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Vampires' Night
Arise my dark children!
Kiss your slumber goodbye.
The night has returned,
let us soar across the sky!
See how mortals tremble,
their fears so fresh and alive.
Some will be our slaves,
others will scream as they die
Hunt down the faithless,
the weakest prey of them all.
The unrepentant sinners
won't escape their fall
The virgins' blood will be
so sweet on your lips
you'll drown in ecstasy
with every droplet you sip
Find your own chosen,
spawn them through lust.
Tonight we mock the heavens
as faith turns to dust
Fill the air with our laughter,
marking the reign of terror.
Hope and courage falter,
Innocence bleeds a river
Ravage this pitiful earth,
strip it bare of dreams.
Vanquish the truth of love,
paint it in shades of grim
Let despair remain
beyond the veil of night.
Never to be healed
by the grace of sunlight
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is for everyone. Enjoy!
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
alidzain
11 years 4 months ago
Hi, everyone
this is for you. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do.
Alid
Ian.T
11 years 4 months ago
Alid
A great write just a few minor trip ups but when you read it aloud you will find them:-
.
Taste the virgins' blood,
so sweet (ON) your lips.
There lies true ecstasy
in every droplet you sip..
.
Or something to iron out the flow,
Great write all the same,
Yours Ian.T
raj
11 years 4 months ago
Alid
I am going with Ian's comment. I must say you have a good vocabulary and improving remarkably with every write and going places with themes too.
drawing your attention to some small errors you ay want to correct
as faith turn [turns] into [to[ dusts [dust]
Fill the air with our laughters [laughter],
stripped [strip] it bare of dreams. or
stripped it [delete it] bare of dreams.
Let despair remains[remain]
Regards,
alidzain
11 years 4 months ago
Thanks, Raj
Glad you enjoy it.
wesley snow
11 years 4 months ago
Two things first.
"Downfall doesn't sit well with your meter. I think you can easily get away with just "fall".
"won't escape their (down)fall"
I would dump the "s" in "dusts".
as faith turns to dust(s)
This is a real kick. It's almost a fanfare, call to arms. The following is my favorite stanza. "Shades of grim." Awesome. A good answer to a very weird challenge.
"Ravage this pitiful earth,
strip it bare of dreams.
Vanquish the truth of love,
paint it in shades of grim."
alidzain
11 years 4 months ago
thank you, sir
thank you for visiting. That stanza happens to be my fav too.;D
Alid
scribbler
11 years 4 months ago
Hi
There are a few places where rhythm and perfect rhyme falters but since I know this was written just for fun I'm gonna ignore them and just say this Was fun to read........stan
alidzain
11 years 4 months ago
dear stan
lets make it fun in learning instead. Don't ignore them. Tell me how to improve.Give me your opinions and suggestions. I'm sure it will be a better poem with everyone's aid. Its not that I don't know what you mean, I don't know how to bring it about! I REALLY want it to have a smooth flow of rhythm.
Alid
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 4 months ago
alid
I like this alot!!!!!! I thought your use of language and imagery was great. Vampires are a great creative source to.draw from...so many possibilities...great write.
alidzain
11 years 4 months ago
thanks for the visit
and the comment, Carrie. I'm glad you like it. A couple of things though.
1. What do you think if I change the "children" in the first verse if the first stanza into "brethren"? I don't know. I thought "children" doesn't really fit the description I wanted. Using "kindred" will kill the rhyme. I thought I've read somewhere in a vampire comic, newly- spawned vamps are called 'dark brethren" or "kith".I only hesitated using "brethren" because I find out that it is related to catholic group when I searched for the meaning of the word.
2. What if I changed
Taste the virgins' blood,
so sweet on your lips.
There lies true ecstasy
in every droplet you sip...
into
"The virgins' blood will be
so sweet on your lips
you'll drown in ecstasy
with every droplet you sip
3. Is "every droplet you sip" correct or should it be "each droplet you sip" instead.
Alid
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 4 months ago
it would work
Make the changes and see how it reads....vocabulary can be tricky. Try thesaurus.com for synonyms. There might be suggestions there.
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years 4 months ago
it would work
Make the changes and see how it reads....vocabulary can be tricky. Try thesaurus.com for synonyms. There might be suggestions there.
eightmenout
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
As you requested in your comment, I stopped by to have a read. I will concur with the others that this is good poetry. However, this is not "dark" poetry as I would see it. The tale may tell itself of a dark subject, but the overall writing lends more to the "TV" vamps rather than the one that might be waiting around the corner to sink his (or her) teeth into my neck.
Good poem, though.
Thanks for the referral,
Scott
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Ok
No problem. Thanks for dropping by.
Alid
Malice2112
11 years 1 month ago
very nice
I love that you can see the summoning as if Dracula himself were ordering his hoarse. Or even recruiting the new children to his army of blood wine lovers. As if explaining to them the first night how their immortality will be spent. Instructing and inviting I suppose
alidzain
11 years 1 month ago
Hi
Glad you like it. This is actually an answer to a challenge from one of the poets here. By the way, I did some changes on "Phoenix". Tell me what you think.
Alid