alidzain

Feb 28, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Blind Heart's Truth

A heart laden with hatred
can see nothing even in the brightest of light
for prejudice is darker than the moonless night

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

redbaronj

11 years 4 months ago

I like it!

Short and sweet. The title describes the poem perfectly. Very philosophical.

scribbler

11 years 4 months ago

hey Alid

I also like the brevity and unobtrusive rhyme. Something you can consider is changing "presence of" to brightest. ........stan

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Thanks, stan

now it sounds much better...

Alid

BettyBuff

11 years 4 months ago

Taking liberties...

'A heart laden with
hatred
can see nothing
even in the presence
of light
for prejudice
is darker
than the moonless
night'

I liked the simple elegance of this piece...excuse me playing with the structure to emphasise certain words for effect.

Namaste, Ellie :)

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

hi ellie

what is namaste? does it mean regards? I've heard it somewhere but I don't think its in English.well , just for the fun of it i'll say " terima kaseh banyak- banyak". in my language (Malay) that means "thank you very much", learning new language is fun to me..

BettyBuff

11 years 4 months ago

LOL

Namaste...."peace"

Sort of New Age/Bhuddist

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

words of wisdom

Very true.
I liked for their brevity, but don't let Wesley know :)

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Can I ask

why not?

Alid

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

Wesley

is kind of irritated whenever poems shrink. He likes lengthy poems and epics if you want.
Have you read any of his "CACO, Man of the morning star?"

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

LOL

not yet,,, actually I'm refraining from writing long poems now and then because of family commitments which always make me somewhat in a rush, i don't know how to express my ideas without them coming out as prose and at times I feel like I'm not that good to write with my grammar and vocab being so limited. I need to get a new thesaurus but with my tight budget, it will take awhile to save up for it..for now i'm going with my priorities and that means family comes first. I do have a lot of ideas but its putting them into words that is difficult....

Alid

weirdelf

11 years 4 months ago

Since is is short, I re-wrote as a haiku

A heart with hatred
can see nothing in bright light
prejudice is dark

hope you like it.

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

question for you , Jess

aren't haiku supposed to be connected to nature? what is the difference between haiku and seiyu?

Alid

weirdelf

11 years 4 months ago

they are, traditionally,

and senryu are to do do with foibles of human nature, often satirical. However the forms are no longer strict. Even the the five/seven/five syllables lines are no longer strict.
I merely offered it as another way of looking at your poem in an even more succinct form,

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

okay

got you.

Alid