Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Mar 20, 2014
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Goodbye
I gave her my heart but she chose to be blind
so I wondered to myself if I've misread the signs
I asked for a chance, my request was denied
I won't prolong this dance, I won't give up my pride
In the silence, I called out her name,
knowing without her, Life won't be the same
but she turned away from me without a care
and left my wounded dignity, stripped bare
Haunted by memories of yesterday,
I closed my eyes and started to pray,
to find the strength and courage,
to take a bow and leave the stage
Picking up the pieces of a broken heart
all my hopes shredded, torn apart
I wiped away all the tears of sorrow
as I looked forward to face tomorrow
I sought her love,
got besotted in her lies,
so I let go My Love
bidding her goodbyes
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
raj
11 years 3 months ago
Alid
When you read it aloud you will notice that there is a need to be consistent with the "tense". especially in 1s stanza where there is a mix of past and present tense. Line 4 of the same stanza you may want to refine for a smoother flow/meter.
How about this suggestion:-
I sought her love,
got besotted in her lies,
so I let go My Love
bidding her adieu
However, the mood and imagery is generally nicely created in the poem.
alidzain
11 years 3 months ago
Raj
done some edit but the last line you suggested doesn't rhyme with the second so i changed it to" telling her goodbye": instead
raj
11 years 3 months ago
Alid
I had merely suggested, not taking into consideration the "rhyme" which is truly not my forte. Even if we take rhyme into consideration "bidding her goodbyes" would perhaps be a better choice. This is because 1. we bid someone goodbye, rather than tell and 2, goodbyes could rhyme better with lies
Again just a friendly suggestion
alidzain
11 years 3 months ago
done it
i'll return later to check for any other need for change. gonna sleep now
Alid