raj

Apr 20, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Heartache-Attempted Senryu

Time is relative
I lost count of your heart beats
now light years away

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Please consider this as my first attempt at Senryu. I welcome all criticism be it positive or negative. It would only help my comprehension of this poetry type and provide direction.

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Barbara Writes

11 years 2 months ago

raj

Beautiful first attempt.. you are right on with the syllable count. You are ready to join my renga workshop with one like this.

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Barbara

Thank you for visiting this page and your comment which is a nod of approval in terms of my attempt at Senryu being on the right track. Right now I am preoccupied with some important work assignment, which is why I am not sure about active participation in the workshop. else, I would have loved to be part of it.

Regards,

Barbara Writes

11 years 2 months ago

raj

just pop in momentarily with your senryu is all that's necessary.

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Barbara

I already done that proactively by barging in the workshop stream and await your comment.

Regards,

loved

11 years 2 months ago

haiku is all about nature

so said the Japs
and 5 7 5
ur senryu
has many more syllables too ..
good you do

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Loved

I rechecked the syllable count and it is 5-7-5, as also confirmed by Barbara in her comment. Thanks for your time and visiting this page.

Regards,

loved

11 years 2 months ago

just and apt

your works are great

Ian.T

11 years 2 months ago

raj

A very good Senryu and as Barbara says it is now time to join the others writing the Renga,
Yours Ian.T

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Ian

Thanks for your visit and appreciative comment. Good to know I got it right. as for joining Barbara's workshop, as mentioned to her, right now I am preoccupied with some important work assignment, which is why I am not sure about active participation in the workshop, else, I would have loved to be part of it. I remember your mentioning to me that Barbara is proficient in these poetry styles and it is good to follow her tips.

Regards,

Ian.T

11 years 2 months ago

raj

The Renga can go on for months so there is no panic for when you can pop in to post something.
Just add it on the end it should take you all of 20 minutes to compose and post lol,
Take care yours Ian . T
PS:- I find that this site gives a good syllable count to save you time:-
http://www.poetrysoup.com/haiku_syllable_counter/

raj

11 years 2 months ago

Ian

You are right. I couldn't control my addiction to this workshop and have already added 3 lines there after yours :)

Cheers!