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May 17, 2014
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Enjoying Solitude
Lying on the sweet grass.
I gaze at the myriad stars of the summer night,
companions to the Mistress Moon
while a gentle wind caresses my skin in delight.
The silence greets me
with a sense of peace in my solitude
which has eluded my mind
when the strains of the city life intrudes.
Sighing to myself,
I close my eyes to embrace sleep,
enjoying a quiet moment
where I can be alone but not lonely....
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Ian.T
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
I will send you a PM to see what I think you should do with this write.
It has good bones and the theme is good, just a few small things to try to make it flow,
Take care, Yours Ian.T
scribbler
11 years 1 month ago
Hi Alid
Just time for a "quickie" critique. Tense still messing things up a bit lol. Either gaze and caressed or gaze and caresses. Either choice will work fine I think. Lines 3 and 4 in second stanza for an incomplete sentence. I leave it to you to correct . Should be an easy fix.
I could almost feel Myself lying on the grass under a spring moon and drifting off to sleep.......stan
alidzain
11 years 1 month ago
Stan
I did some edits. What do you think?
Alid
scribbler
11 years 1 month ago
Hi
I think the edits really helped your poem...........stan
loved
11 years 1 month ago
Follow the Leaders
two above,
they will help you
English is your second language
so it appears
Seren
11 years 1 month ago
Alid
This really is beautifully calm and peaceful, I only have one suggestion I would have the first line as
Lying on the sweet grass
I think grasses is too much of a mouthful and grass just rolls off my tongue and it works if you want it to
really liked this one hun
love and hugs Jayne xxx
alidzain
11 years 1 month ago
Hi Jayne
Thanks for dropping by and for the suggestion. I'm really glad you liked it. Hope everything is okay on your side. Take care.
love and hugs Alid