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Sep 06, 2014
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The Keymaster (Dramatic Verse WS)
it is i who carries the keys
turn the locks of the caged
oh, but i think me to be mad
to live a life so staged;
it is i who prepares the food
feeds the creatures big and small
oh, but i think me to be mad
lost in the routine of it all;
it is they who peer through bars
they- who must be fed
they- who pace thoughtlessly
they- who know of no other means;
oh, but it is i who is alone
i- who sees the cage
i- for which their hunger thirsts
i- never a thought in my mind
it is i
i carry the keys
it is i
i prepare the food
it is i
is it not?
oh, how i think me to be mad
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years ago
Scott
I like this. I am getting the distinct picture of a correctional officer, serving and watching those in jail. Vivid imagery. Sounds as if this correctional officer has been at it for quite some time and might be starting to burn out. Cant wait to read more.
eightmenout
11 years ago
Carrie
Good to hear from you. Glad you liked it.
China Blue
11 years ago
Scott
not quite sure about you going from singular person to " they"
only slight error the un capitalized "I"( I know nit picky)
not only a correctional officer who is burning out but has burned out and gone mad( from the boredom)
love that idea
eightmenout
11 years ago
Chrys
Please expand on your thoughts with regards to "they".
The i is purposely not capitalized to illustrate the low self esteem of the character.
Lonnie
11 years ago
Scott,
This one kept me one my toes from start to finish! destined to be one of your best, I'm sure! Keep those keys a-rattlin', my friend! LOL!!
eightmenout
11 years ago
Lonnie
I agree this is not my best. There is still something missing from it. Just haven't been able to put my finger on it for over 20 years now. Hoping to get some help here.
Barbara Writes
11 years ago
Scott
This is fine writing. I hear the voice but is not sure who or what is speaking. If it's an correctional officer a few words the describe him or her more clearly, maybe. I am hearing a voice of an zoo keeper here. Keys to cage, prepare their food, behind bars, lost in routine. Either could be a keymaster in this setting.
eightmenout
11 years ago
You are correct about zoo
You are correct about zoo keeper. That's why I used the word creatures.appreciate your input
Barbara Writes
11 years ago
Scott
Yea the word creature did got it for me too. Then some others too.
lonlyhrtsclub13
11 years ago
zoo keeper?
Wow...my mind went into a totally different direction...I need to lay off the abnormal psych and crime shows....
alidzain
11 years ago
Hi Scott
Zookeeper, hmm.? Sounds like one who is getting bored and feeling unappreciated. Err, to me this is too many "I" but maybe that works to emphasize the emotion of the character. Anyway, its still a good write. Well done.
Alid
eightmenout
11 years ago
Alid
Thanks for taking the time to stop by and read.
alidzain
11 years ago
Hi Scott
Zookeeper, hmmm? Sounds like one feeling unappreciated. There's a lot of "I" but maybe that is to emphasize the character's emotion. Why don't you entitled this poem "Zookeeper"?
alidzain
11 years ago
what's happening here?
a moment ago, my first comment don't even appear!
Alid
eightmenout
11 years ago
Not certain. got it, though.
Not certain. got it, though.
wesley snow
11 years ago
Geez.
What did you say about a block?
This is perfect. I wish I could tear it all to hell with suggestion after suggestion, but this is perfect. I wish you had written a play. I'm glad everyone had a chance to read this.
eightmenout
11 years ago
Thank you
for stopping by and the compliment. Block is still there. I wrote this over 20 years ago.
wesley snow
11 years ago
I've probably said this before but,
when I have the dreaded block I keep writing. It is a struggle, but everything I force (time consuming) is the same as when it writes itself. Inevitably the block fades into the background. Never truly gone, it yet does not consume me. The longer you dwell on a block of concrete the more it sets.