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Nov 01, 2014
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Eye for an Eye. (Serious Limerick WS)
Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
war being fought, tooth and nail
bleeding bodies leaving a trail
no glimmer of light, this fateful night
About This Poem
Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
wesley snow
10 years 8 months ago
Good poem.
Poor limerick. Subject aside, it is almost a mystical taboo to change the rules and your lines three and four are way too long. It's a loose sort of anapest that I'm going to let Jess explain because he understands this form a lost better than I do.
The rhyme scheme was right, but the meter is troubled throughout. Jess's suggestion is to read a lot of other limericks. That's hard for me because I don't much care for the tawdry.
lovedly
10 years 8 months ago
and Jess kicked me out at the
rehearsal very stage as a pea
limy is no ma cup of tea
chai they say
so i shall stay away
let loved out of the arena be
weirdelf
10 years 8 months ago
did I kick you out?
really?Quote me the URL.
raj
10 years 8 months ago
Thanks Wesley
for providing insights. I will work on the meter and line lenghts of Lines 3 & 4
Regards.
raj
10 years 8 months ago
Wesley how about the short lines 3 & 4 and rhythm now?
Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
all tooth and nail
with a bloody trail
no glimmer of hope this night
Regards,
wesley snow
10 years 8 months ago
Hot damn.
I do believe you've got it chap. Now do it again. I can't seem to write a serious one to save me.
wesley snow
10 years 8 months ago
Personally
I think this is harder than it looks.
lovedly
10 years 8 months ago
u just won the tee shirt
JESS Brand
weirdelf
10 years 8 months ago
You did not win the T-shirt!
Don't put words in my mouth.
raj
10 years 8 months ago
Thanks Gemma for your time
Thanks Gemma for your time and proposing some tweaks. I feel the length of line 3 needs to be shorter and rhythm in line 5 needs to be looked at. I will wait Jess to give his inputs.
Thanks once again...
wesley snow
10 years 8 months ago
I don't know why I bother.
Where's iambic tetrameter when you need it?
Ian.T
10 years 8 months ago
Wesley
I wrote in iambic tetrameter
But became tired in my lazy boy seater
I thought why work
I’m not a jerk
It made me sit and titter
Yours, Sparrow. La, La.