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R
raj
This poem is part of the workshop:

Can you make a limerick serious?

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Eye for an Eye. (Serious Limerick WS)

Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
war being fought, tooth and nail
bleeding bodies leaving a trail
no glimmer of light, this fateful night

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

wesley snow

wesley snow

10 years 8 months ago

Good poem.

Poor limerick. Subject aside, it is almost a mystical taboo to change the rules and your lines three and four are way too long. It's a loose sort of anapest that I'm going to let Jess explain because he understands this form a lost better than I do.
The rhyme scheme was right, but the meter is troubled throughout. Jess's suggestion is to read a lot of other limericks. That's hard for me because I don't much care for the tawdry.

R

raj

10 years 8 months ago

Thanks Wesley

for providing insights. I will work on the meter and line lenghts of Lines 3 & 4

Regards.

wesley snow

wesley snow

10 years 8 months ago

Hot damn.

I do believe you've got it chap. Now do it again. I can't seem to write a serious one to save me.

R

raj

10 years 8 months ago

Thanks Gemma for your time

Thanks Gemma for your time and proposing some tweaks. I feel the length of line 3 needs to be shorter and rhythm in line 5 needs to be looked at. I will wait Jess to give his inputs.

Thanks once again...

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 8 months ago

Wesley

I wrote in iambic tetrameter
But became tired in my lazy boy seater
I thought why work
I’m not a jerk
It made me sit and titter

Yours, Sparrow. La, La.