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Nov 06, 2014
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Fallen Star
The sky, dyed in a crimson red,
veils the night in grimness
could it be a sign of what lies ahead?
The star you used to be ,no longer glow ,
obscured by treachery
which you have spun and sewn,
I saw it all, through the window of my grief
I never dream that you will betray me
All of my hopes are slipping from my fingers,
dreams I used to hold, are now forsaken.
I hear the voice of a broken soul, shouting to me
telling me to leave and never return
I'm crumbling apart, turning into dusts of despair
but i won't let you have your way anymore
i'm no longer your mistress moon, the one so fair
for you don't know what your heart is for.
Fallen star, I will prove to you that I don't need you
and I'll flush away the memory that we shared in the loo!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Esker
10 years 8 months ago
few line changes I made in my version of your work..for flow..
which you have spun and sewn..and or word use..
reaping the benifits of unhappiness is a great relief for some
pressed into the cruel marrow from childhood rage
the entitlment or riotous anger and rebellion..
some said it best..
Now I am in control where for many years I was not
there is nothing like being on the brunt end of a stick
that you are prodded from a torpor into action not
your own or beaten down when you find a jubilous
joy to celebrate....
But I prefer those with stouter resolution
to become more then just a copy of what
they have learned...
I love original people
this is poetry that defines
such things
and gives dignity to those
left trying with little at times
to the betterment of society
Thank You!
Esker
10 years 8 months ago
few line changes I made in my version of your work..for flow..
which you have spun and sewn..and or word use..
reaping the benifits of unhappiness is a great relief for some
pressed into the cruel marrow from childhood rage
the entitlment or riotous anger and rebellion..
some said it best..
Now I am in control where for many years I was not
there is nothing like being on the brunt end of a stick
that you are prodded from a torpor into action not
your own or beaten down when you find a jubilous
joy to celebrate....
But I prefer those with stouter resolution
to become more then just a copy of what
they have learned...
I love original people
this is poetry that defines
such things
and gives dignity to those
left trying with little at times
to the betterment of society
Thank You!
Esker
10 years 8 months ago
few line changes I made in my version of your work..for flow..
which you have spun and sewn..and or word use..
reaping the benifits of unhappiness is a great relief for some
pressed into the cruel marrow from childhood rage
the entitlment or riotous anger and rebellion..
some said it best..
Now I am in control where for many years I was not
there is nothing like being on the brunt end of a stick
that you are prodded from a torpor into action not
your own or beaten down when you find a jubilous
joy to celebrate....
But I prefer those with stouter resolution
to become more then just a copy of what
they have learned...
I love original people
this is poetry that defines
such things
and gives dignity to those
left trying with little at times
to the betterment of society
Thank You!
Esker
10 years 8 months ago
there is a stumble here on neo....I got caught with the same
comes up with a cant connect logo..
back up to another window
hit save and same thing
happens
by the third attempt and send
the screen for neo comes up
and Viola..now we have three comments..!
Ian.T
10 years 8 months ago
Echo Here!
I was playing games,
Saw you writing and thought
What a chance to try something new.
Now you know I am not a duck quacking in vain
I am Echo and will reverberate time and time again.
Lovely work to both of you just let your save finger know My name is Echo and I will say things time and time again,
Yours Ian
alidzain
10 years 8 months ago
Echo, huh?
Thanks for the visit and the comment.
Alid
alidzain
10 years 8 months ago
Echo, huh?
Thanks for the visit and the comment.
Alid
Lonnie
10 years 8 months ago
Very spontaneous
An over-used topic, but presented in a way that delivers the message without boring the reader to tears. Could be improved upon, but, what the Hell, its only poetry, right! LOL!!
alidzain
10 years 8 months ago
Thanks, Lonnie
for the visit and the comment.
Alid
lovedly
10 years 8 months ago
UR
A rising star why do u write on fallen
many days since u passed by friend
missed good ones
do read if u have the inclination
my latest one
will u remember me
alidzain
10 years 8 months ago
loved
I'm having crazy problems when I try to login or logout of here. Contacted the technical team and waiting for help. It's driving me crazy.
Alid
lovedly
10 years 8 months ago
Go to sleep and relax
Go to sleep and relax
too much at the compy
does u
okay one
tax
I will soon be flying to
Singnapore from Kuala Lumpmore