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alidzain
alidzain
Nov 10, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

When Your Heart Breaks Down

When your heart breaks down
and you're stranded on the road called life
and Lady Luck is nowhere to be found,
get up and continue fighting against strife.
Reboot, restart and repair
as long as you live, the options are there,
why give in to despair
when you can try again?
In time you'll be back
to play the number's game.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

10 years 8 months ago

Salam Khalid

This is awesome. Some might think it is preachy and suggest changing to 1st singular but not I.
I have one or maybe two suggestions
[so] why give in to despair.................drop (so)

so why give in to despair
when you can try again out there?......I would drop one of the (again)

But all in all, this is really good.
Thanks for sharing.

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Salam, Rula

Thanks for the visit and the comment. I've done the edit.

Alid

Race_9togo

Race_9togo

10 years 8 months ago

Hi Khalid

I agree with Rula. This isn't preachy, it's just good common sense!
Should the title be "Number's Game"? It sounds like Numbers owns the game, if you see what I mean!
Good stuff man, keep writing.

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Hi Jim

The title refers to the times one go for dates before finding the right person. Well, any other ideas for the title?

Alid

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 8 months ago

Number 42 here

I am the answer to everything, I was born in 42 so that is everything, the universe may fall or just turn in on itself but number 42 is the only constant.
I shall gather up my haversack and hitch to the next crossroads there I shall wait for a number 42 bus it will take me on the rest of life's journey.
Good write there Alid a bit of fun time, Yours Ian.
PS:- Digit is waiting for you to read his last trip to Indiana he is waiting to be hunted..

Ian.T

Ian.T

10 years 8 months ago

Alid

It is late but thank you for your anticipated time,
Yours Ian

S

scribbler

10 years 8 months ago

hi Alid

Let me say first I am proud of the strides you've taken in your writing since you first arrived here. Now to your poem. I like the never say die attitude displayed here. Reminds me of a saying "Success is not determined by how many times one is knocked down, it's determined by how many time one gets back up." Only suggestion I can find to make is in line 4. Try deleting "to strive" and see if it still works for you.........stan

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 8 months ago

Hi Stan

Thank you for the visit and the comment. I must confess that I'm trying to rhyme it so I put it that way but your suggestion works too.

Alid

S

scribbler

10 years 8 months ago

I

now see the limited rhymes and near rhymes. This explains the reason you had that line extension. You could also try something like continue fighting against strife.

Rula

Rula

10 years 8 months ago

Salam Khalid

I thought the title's unclear too even after your explanation to Jim. You have used it in the title as the 'Number's Game' while in the last line you have dropped the possessive apostrophe "Numbers Game".
Not sure which one you really wanted.
However, I can't think of any title plus I concider titles so personal and something the author needs to decide.