In The Realm of Despair

A land barren of hope,
never knows the soothing wind
The trees standing here
have bare branches, black as sin

The rivers are murky waters,
carrying the stench of cowardice
where the quitters' souls drown,
having lost their will to fly.

There are no beautiful colours here,
only creeping shadows of the past
where the ghosts of the fallen gather
bemoaning their fate turned to dust.

This is the hell created by Man
when he refused to strive

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

Rula

10 years 7 months ago

Why all this despair

When we can do great things to maintain Man's life. tYou might find what you do not so worthy but others see with a different eye, Give a "sadaka" (few pennies to a poor man ) , give a meal to someone hungry. Help an old man or woman.
Every little thing helps. Don't give up to despaire

thought I would share an old write. Something I wrote sometime ago
Why don't you wash your weary thoughts,
and brush out the heavy woes and pains.
Wipe out those tears in eyes,
and sweep everyday's miseries away.
Bleach all the staines ,
and the spotted hatreds in your heart
clean it all and say:
Hey..
"Everything is gonna be OKAY."

However, i should say I loved the imagery through out

alidzain

10 years 7 months ago

Salam, Rula

Its just a description of despair itself. I'm referring to the feeling of the people who have toally given up and refused to upgrade or move forward. That's where this lines - "where the quitters' souls drown,
having lost their will to fly." came from.

Alid

judyanne

10 years 7 months ago

an excellent write Khalid

Great word choice and usage... really presented the desolation of despair...
My only suggestion is that you lose the last line... I think it detracts from the rest of tbe write and is unnecessary. ..
love judy
xxx

alidzain

10 years 7 months ago

Thanks Judy

for the visit and the comment. Done the edit. By the way, love your profile pics.

Alid

wesley snow

10 years 7 months ago

In some respects

it is an Elizabethan sonnet. Three quatrains with a two line envoy. The meter is not problematic, but not consistent enough for a sonnet and the rhyme scheme is hit and miss. But you have the form. You might want to consider the Shakespeare sonnet for real. You might get a kick out of it. Rula and I will be running a shop on the sonnet, but it will be held in the Shark Pool. Serious technique and philosophy. Not for the faint of heart. You're invited.