scribbler

Feb 25, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

COVER ME

All imperfections are camouflaged
with the snow so pure and white
which softened all the hard edged corners
when it fell to earth last night.

And I am but a rough hewed man,
a fact which all around me know
who needs a gentle soul like you
to
.....be
.................My
..........................snow.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: An excursion into brevity

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Rula

10 years 4 months ago

hello Stan

I absolutely like the brevity in this, and the morph at the end is cleverly done as it softly comes down almost like the snow flakes.
If I would suggest anything it is to change "blanketed". It doesn't sound poetic to my "poetic ear" :)
may be "spread over " or you might like to consider switching it with cover in the title.
my thoughts. The decision is yours.
Thank you for sharing.

scribbler

10 years 4 months ago

Hi Rula

I had considered a number of words instead of blanketed and am still in search of the perfect one lol. Thanks for your thoughts on this one........stan

wesley snow

10 years 3 months ago

How about

mantled?

scribbler

10 years 3 months ago

Not a bad idea

Still going through a couple of thesauruses (shudder, I hate having to resort to them) to see if there's a word which conveys what I want better...........stan

Rula

10 years 3 months ago

mmmmm

I like this word.

scribbler

10 years 3 months ago

thank

you Rula. now if I just knew Which word lol.......stan

Rula

10 years 3 months ago

mantled

scribbler

10 years 3 months ago

Ok

One must be specific when dealing with senile old dudes lol

Rula

10 years 3 months ago

i thought

I put my reply directly after Wesley's.

scribbler

10 years 3 months ago

you likely did but it wound up beneath my response to his

comment but it wound up below my response to his comment. Happens to me a lot. I'll post something as a reply to somebody and instead of posting right below what I'm replying to it winds up as many as 4 spaces below........stan

mand

10 years 4 months ago

Hi Stan

Beautiful, clever and sooo touching. Rula's suggestion - if you want to change it how about "covered" only a thought! Throw it in the bin if you don't like it. Te he

My thought - I think if you add another word with two syllables somewhere here:

to
....be
.........my
..............snow.

it would flow better, it seems to cut short abruptly. Of course, as Rula says - it's your call and that may have been your objective. :)

Really, really love this one.

Love Mand xxxxx

scribbler

10 years 4 months ago

Hey Mandy

I'm pleased you liked this.I Do want that last line to remain as short as possible. Perhaps i can make a change in rhythm without adding a thing.........Maybe adding emphasis to "my" will do the trick. See if that's a bit better.......stan

mand

10 years 4 months ago

:)

Nice! Lovely, a true delight to read.

Love Mand xxx

scribbler

10 years 4 months ago

Hi

Strange how such a minor edit can make so much difference isn't it?........stan

nokros

10 years 4 months ago

good

writing... good flow

scribbler

10 years 4 months ago

Hello

Thank you. I've been so busy lately I felt if I didn't scribble something out just for fun my head would blow up lol. Thanks for dropping in..........stan

Race_9togo

10 years 4 months ago

Hi Stan,

A gorgeous little write, my friend. You say so very much with just a few words, and bring so much more meaning from those few simple lines.
Like the falling at the end!
Most very excellent.

Bookmarked.

scribbler

10 years 4 months ago

Hi Jim

It had been so long since I'd written anything short in length that I figured I better do one and see if I still remembered how lol. I'm pleased you like it and had wondered if the way I posted the last line would be a distraction of a help. Thanks for dropping by.......stan

raj

10 years 3 months ago

Hi Stan

Innovative and creative write and form ...

Regards,

scribbler

10 years 3 months ago

Hi raj

Thank you. As to the form I wanted to be sure the last line was read slowly. It could have been done by punctuation but I figured this would also work...........stan