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Mar 11, 2015
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To All The Women I Loved
Mother
you bore me in your womb
for nine months of trial,
waiting in anticipation
as I grew within you.
On the day of my birth,
you struggled between life and death
so that I could enter this world.
Without your love
I would never have witnessed
the sun, the moon and stars.
I owe my life to you
now until the end of time.
My dear sisters,
we used to play together,
painting a beautiful childhood.
As we grew older,
there were times we disagreed
and hurled hurtful words
we didn't mean, to each other
but we were never too proud
to forgive and forget
because we loved each other.
My honourable teachers,
Mrs Cheah, Mrs Ho and Madam Aisyah,
you have guide me in a learning journey
Always patient even when I'm mischievous,
you corrected me when I was wrong,
you inspired me to be better in my studies
as you shared your knowledge
in your own unique ways
My friends here,
Rula, Jayne, Carrie, Mand and Judy
and others,
Aminah, Syakila, Linda and Selena Lee,
without you, I'll be lost and lonely.
We have been together,
sharing tears and laughter
and I have learnt much from you.
You made me feel blessed indeed
To other women in my life
who have stood by me
in my troubled times,
your kindness will never be forgotten
though I have not written your names
you are not less appreciated
To all of you,
I say thank you
for being you!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
lovedly
10 years 4 months ago
you miss out in LIFE two important women
female cousins who train and help communicate
and
wife
who tolerates a guy
HUBBY CALLED
like MAN
do you agree?
You are wasting a lovely free given LIFE
GO OUT OF THE WINDOW AND see
who is looking out for thee
HOPEFULLY
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
loved
that would be true if one, my female cousins and me are on good terms. Ever since my family has fallen into bad times, their families just shut us out. Secondly, wife? still don't have any, though not for the lack of seeking. Due to my current condition however, I am putting it on hold. Not fair to expect a girl to accept a sick man. Need to recover first.yeah, but I do agree that it will be wonderful if one fine day, my cousins will accept us again and I have a wife to accompany me in this life.
Thanks for the visit and the comment.
Alid
lovedly
10 years 4 months ago
why r u sick
r u permitted to marry cuzs ?
then ask mom or pop
all the best good wishes for you
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
loved
I'm stil recovering from my heart pacer surgery and the signs are not good. they are suggesting another operation because the heart pacer is not working properly. even with the meds, the pain can be abit too much. These days I write to distract myself from the pain.
Alid
lovedly
10 years 4 months ago
get well soon
sorry i did not know
Rula
10 years 4 months ago
An awesome tribute khalid
You are a faithful brother.
I like it all through and it means me a lot to see my name among those who mean something to you.
As a rough version I know you would sure come back for proofreading and to tighten up the grammar ( verb tenses and so)
Appreciate your kind gesture.
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Thanks, Rula
Glad you liked it.
Alid
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
Women
they drive us crazy(ier) but who else is there who would be willing to put up with us crude hairy men? Liked your poem alid.......stan
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Stan
coudn't agree more with you. My inability to understand them has led to many breakups but you know what they say, a good woman is worth fighting for. I just wished I could understand them better. Thanks for the visit. Glad you liked this poem.
Alid
judyanne
10 years 4 months ago
or, Stan, you forgot to mention
the bald ones - lol - junior
xxx
scribbler
10 years 4 months ago
Now
just what makes you think I'd know anything about bald men?...........
raj
10 years 4 months ago
Hi Alid
There is so much love, affection, grace and humility in these beautiful verses which are testimony of the human values you embrace...
there is some room to tweak some verses which I am sure you would be doing in due course of time...even otherwise this poem emotes beautiful sentiments...
a pleasure read..
Regards,
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Raj
thank you for the visit and your encouraging words.
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
I stick my critique in here because I agree with
the eminent author above.
It could us some "tweaking". The poem exudes emotional power while maintaining a reasonable and consistent line length. In other words: poetry,
Then as the end approaches it seems a childish afterthought. What happened to the intensity?
That's where I would look to fix. The ending needs to match the rest of the poem.
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Wes
I wished I have some ideas for it but I'm afraid I need more help in executing them. Let me sleep on it and come back to have another look. By the way, do you have any suggestion on how to do it? Just a few pointers to guide me.
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 4 months ago
Yes I do,
but I can't find what we're talking about. The thread is nuts. Help me find it somehow (a title) and we can work on it.
mand
10 years 4 months ago
Ahh
Brilliant! Such lovely heartfelt sentiments - All these women will be smiling in appreciation of your lovely tribute - including me!
Don't worry if you don't understand women - quiet often we don't understand ourselves! Te he
Great poem Alid!
Love Mand xxxx
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Mand
Thanks for dropping by and for the kind words.
Alid
judyanne
10 years 4 months ago
thank you Alid xxx
A couple of things - for grammar - you have mixed tenses....
'I would never witnessed' - this needs a 'have' - 'would never have witnessed'
'as we grow older' - 'grew'
a lovely dedication, and I am honoured to be counted in your names...
love judy
xxx
alidzain
10 years 4 months ago
Judy
Sigh! still not good with grammar. I'm going to revise what I have learnt from my days at school once I'm better. Can't focus much now. Thank you for the visit and comment.
Alid