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To Tread This Earthly Corridor - ( For April Contest )
The earth is ours, a home to live
a time to take, a time to give.
We wake each morn, some rich, some poor
to tread this earthly corridor.
I fear for us, oh don't you see
how greed pervades humanity
unyielding nations fight in war
to tread this earthly corridor.
In ignorance we'll be bereft
when naked earth is stripped and left
devoid of life with men no more
to tread this earthly corridor.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Ahh well - thought I'd give it a go.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Barbara Writes
10 years 2 months ago
Mand
Rhymes well nicely written
mand
10 years 2 months ago
Hi Barbara
Hope you're not in to much pain today! Thank you for the visit and kind words of encouragement! Much appreciated. :)
Love to you
Mand xxx
Barbara Writes
10 years 2 months ago
Mand
An ear infection snd pounding headache has me but I'm still moving
mand
10 years 2 months ago
:)
I hope it passes soon - life can be a trial can't it!
Love to you
Mand xxx
raj
10 years 2 months ago
Mand
I liked it. Each stanza consistent with theme. Whether or not it conforms to form I am far too ignorant in these matters, so can't comment. Good to see you try your hand and I guess you are doing pretty well and this time submitted your entry in time.
Best wishes and good luck,
mand
10 years 2 months ago
Hi Raj
Thought I'd give it a go - wasn't sure if it fitted the criteria but thought I'd try anyway. Aren't you entering this time? Don't feel discouraged Raj - I believe in you! you are a talented poet, these strict forms are hard to master, sometimes we win, sometimes we lose.
You're always a great encouragement to me! :)
Love to you
Mand xxxx
raj
10 years 2 months ago
Best Wishes and Good Luck
Best Wishes and Good Luck Mand
mand
10 years 2 months ago
:)
Thanks Raj :)
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
An awesome writing dear Mand
I love it and the refrain is very appealing toghether with the theme. It is a really gentle piece.
Only one suggestion if I may, Line 2 first stanza
"a time to laugh, a time to give."
do you think a time to [take], a time to give ....works any better?
just asking :)
mand
10 years 2 months ago
Hi there Rula :)
Yes a time to take would make a nice contrast - going to change it straight away! Thank you Rula for your wise suggestion! :)
And thank you for your lovely comment. :)
Love Mand xxxx
wesley snow
10 years 2 months ago
I agree with Rula.
The verse is unbalanced as is.
Otherwise, this is a spectacular poem.
mand
10 years 2 months ago
Wes!
That's it, I've got a smile from ear to ear - not a pretty sight, it's a Wallis and Gromit smile, all teeth. Lol
Thanks Wes - you've all made my day!
Love to you :)
Mand xxx
Sparrow
10 years 2 months ago
Mand
Excellent and the crit is well founded, but this would stand on its own strength anyway.
Yours as always Ian. x
mand
10 years 2 months ago
Hellooo
Where's that cup of tea? I'm chuffed to little meat balls - did you find Fanny? Lol
Love to you
Mand xxx
Sparrow
10 years 2 months ago
Mand
How can I answer this question without dropping myself in the Ca Ca's,
As to the tea it will always be perfect, held in the think for eternity or till a like Spirit says I enjoyed that lol.
Mind you Sadie and the children never eat or sleep it is a totally different concept that needs a lot of think to become use to,
Take care Young lady, Yours as always Ian x
judyanne
10 years 2 months ago
beautiful Mand
smooth ... just love the repeating line
best of luck in the contest
I was wondering about the theme, I don't read this as a worship .... but Wes said nothing, so it must pass as such... I guess it could be seen as worshipping 'to tread this earthly corridor' - love that verse - great refrain
love judy
xxx
mand
10 years 2 months ago
Thanks Judy
Best of luck to you too! There are many excellent kyrielle poems in the comp - including yours.
I'd never have know about kyrielle poems or sonnets etc if it wasn't for this site. :)
Love to you
Mand xxxx