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Apr 30, 2015
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Goose Quill (For Titles WS)
When quills are dipped in vessels and veins,
when ink is but a shade of red,
then all they'd spell are woes and pains,
and stories of less happy ends.
Where all we tread is out of lamps,
and quills are dipped in vessels and veins,
then how to feet happy iambs,
the lands we live are all insane.
When all the words just yell in vain
in lands that turn to battle fields,
and quills are dipped in vessels and veins,
can the words be then a real shield?
When our lives but a very cheap deal,
Man for nothing is often slain,
will words be then of any heal
when quills are dipped in vessels and veins?
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
China Blue
10 years 2 months ago
Rula
"What then say words"
more obvious
V'ssles and veins
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
absolutely
Two good alternatives to label the piece.
The first is always a good suggestion.
Thank you so much.
raj
10 years 2 months ago
Could it be "Insane"?.
Could it be "Insane"?..whatever be the title//i loved the theme...good to see you flowing with words again...
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
the possibilities are many
and always appreciated raj.
wesley snow
10 years 2 months ago
Goose Quill.
That's mine... wow what a cool poem and marvelous use of the format. The refrain always fit the stanza and was not simply placed in its required location.
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
sir!
May I ask what's special about the "Gooze" or it's quill. I mean, does it have any poetic reference?
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
I am asking
Because I am thinking of changing mine!!
alidzain
10 years 2 months ago
here's mine
"Voice Of The Bleeding Heart"
The whole poem is a demand or a scream for people to think s well as a plea for the right actions to be taken.
Alid
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
Thank you Khalid
It's very close of what I wanted.
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
Thank you everyone
I shall give this more time to collect as many titles as possible. Hopefully while I'm sleeping :). I thank the difference in the time zone. Appreciate your thoughts. Of course I have one already, but I might consider changing to...mmmmm
Ok.. Tomorrow is a new day :)
judyanne
10 years 2 months ago
love the quatern
Just one question... why 'v'ssels' and not 'vessels' as there is no difference in syllable count .... we don't drop letters like this willy nilly in English.... you just need to plead poetic license with the near 9 syllables there - lol - I'd pass it :)
Typo in the first verse ' veines...
ok - title suggestion
when quills are swords
lol - I suck at finding titles
love judy
xxx
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
I am not sure
but the /ve-ssels/ two syllables. I tried to make it one by dropping the vowel but I think you're right that the sound is still there even if I drop it. But since you pass it with nine syllables (((smiles here))) I think I shall put the "e" back.
As for your title, I think it is a bit away from catching my intent, or so I think. You might like to tell me what verse(s) inspired yours. May be I wasn't clear enough anyway.
Thank you for pointing the typo too...
judyanne
10 years 2 months ago
well
I read your whole write as saying when words are hurtful, no peace is gained, thus the pen and the sword thought...
Please do tell me where I have read this incorrectly
xxx
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
It's the other way round
my whole intent is because the world is insane, because of all the wars around, and so, the ink is becoming no more than a red liquid (blood) hence the words can't express but woes and aweful stories.
does this help?
judyanne
10 years 2 months ago
the title I offered
still seems apt to me
but as I say lol - I suck at titles
xxx
Sparrow
10 years 2 months ago
Rula
Sorry I am late:- "Confused Scriptures" would seem an apt title for this piece, it is written in strict form and relays a confusion as to what to write yet the ink remains stable..
Yours as always, Ian..
China Blue
10 years 2 months ago
Rula
all in all deeply felt poem
a difficult style to write in but you make it look so easy
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
Thank you dear Chrys
I really appreciate your encouraging words.
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
My title is
"Don't Blame The Poet"
Do you think I need to change?
alidzain
10 years 2 months ago
up to you, sis
but if this is a quiz, my points will be zero 'cos I would never has guessed it right
Rula
10 years 2 months ago
not a quiz khalid
I'm asking opinions.
alidzain
10 years 2 months ago
Salam, Rula
I think you should change the title to attract more readers.
Alid
scribbler
10 years 2 months ago
Hmmm.....Hmmmmm
Hmmmm.....does that make me appear thoughtful? lol. How about "Must Quills Run Red" ?
emeka ozurumba
10 years 1 month ago
i ask?
for what you ask, i also ask, can there be a recompense to the dead form of beauty, crucified by time, so i think time is its true enemy
alidzain
10 years 1 month ago
emeka
we are doing an exercise here, trying to give the title for the poem which could attract more readers to the poem by using what we understand from its contents. Why don't you offer one yourself.?
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
Yes Emeka,
please participate. You're not a member of this workshop, but I invite you to join in.