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May 01, 2015
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Superficial... L O V E
Superficial love
Admiration
verbose compliments
all seeking attention
only for the main purpose
indirect approach
to the lower regions
of self desired gratification
perhaps you may fall into their trap
and
then they say
we all do praise,
for you as you help us make do
what ?
is just up to your imagination
what can happen in the blindness
sheer cover of darkness
and ignorance
well that’s all about poetry lovers and friends
we make amends
cream one’s mind
to find
what does the other have
to grind
then we purr.....
is this not true?
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
alidzain
10 years 2 months ago
Hi loved
Mmm I did a poem with the same one stanza form recently and Judy gave me a good advice which I'm sharing with you now. Try to break the poem into stanzas to give the reader pause. Here's for example.
Superficial love
Admiration
verbose compliments
all seeking attention
only for the main purpose
indirect approach
to the lower regions
of self desired gratification
perhaps you may fall into their trap
and
then they say
we all do praise,
for you as you help us make do
what ?
is just up to your imagination
what can happen in the blindness
sheer cover of darkness
and ignorance
well that’s all about poetry lovers and friends
we make amends
cream one’s mind
to find
what does the other have
to grind
then we purr.....
is this not true? say will you....
I suggest dropping the last 3 words of the last stanza. I like the message and the images in the poem. Good job. As for my suggestions, take it if you find it suitable.
Alid
lovedly
10 years 2 months ago
thanks for your encouragement
and labour
go see now okay
alidzain
10 years 2 months ago
loved
now that looks better. Well done. errr labour? nah its nothing. just practising the good examples I've learnt here.
Alid
lovedly
10 years 2 months ago
thanks
alidz
alidzain
10 years 2 months ago
You're welcome,
loved
Alid
emeka ozurumba
10 years 2 months ago
i love this
good lyricism in the initiations of the words ,they cobble true poetry,and more heartfelt words
lovedly
10 years 2 months ago
thank you so much
ok muchleeeeee
weirdelf
10 years 2 months ago
Loved, my dear
your poetry is getting better and better and truer and truer.
lovedly
10 years 2 months ago
thanks Jess
after all the kicks
one must improve