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May 09, 2015
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ILL HEIRLOOM ( An Exploration of style, subject and critique WS)
When fashion and decoration
conquer even the dinnerware,
I ask why?
Why should we care
if the dish is fine china,
bone china, or stoneware?
Does it really make
a difference if the plate is made of
the finest porcelain
or of the cheapest clay?
While the table cloth
and the fine floral painted plates
might pay for the beauty of the place
and please the sight
does a dish really buy the appetite?
I ask why?
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
judyanne
10 years 1 month ago
hi Rula
This is a rant, I think
A good one too. I can't see where I can offer any suggestions, except maybe to drop 'it kills me when I think that'.... just me... I think it starts better after that
I would also change 'think' to 'ask' - 'and I ask why'....
I like the rhyme with sight and appetite - not too obvious but aesthetic to the ear imo...
Well done on the mundane object 'test'
Love judy
xxx
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
Thank you Judy
for the suggestions.
I agree that "kills " might be very strong for such a subject, but can't find a suitable alternative.
I also like the second suggestion and shall change as soon as we start our edits.
I am happy to know you think it is a good one.
Thank you.
alidzain
10 years 1 month ago
Salam, Rula
I echoed Judy's view on this piece. Good one.
Alid
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
Salam Khalid.
appreciate it.
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
May be
"baffles" works better
so
it baffles me
to see that....
judyanne
10 years 1 month ago
the 'I ask why'
is repeating the thought of the first lines....
I don't think you need any of the beginning. I would start with the word fashion and drop all before that.
xxx
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
It's a good piece, but choppy
I'm struggling with any flow because the line structure starts and stops oddly, for me and this makes the piece tough to read.
I would love if it were a more natural line length, breaking at the thought, rather than creating pauses in the narrative that make me feel as if I have missed something. Let me illustrate, without changing, almost, anything. I removed the "of" before "fine china" and "stoneware."
When fashion and decoration
conquer even the dinnerware,
I ask why?
Why should we care
if the dish
is fine china,
bone china,
or
stoneware?
With free verse, I want, more than anything else, for the poem to flow so naturally that the reader forgets they are reading poetry and, at the end, marvels that such a thing could have come from a poem.
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
Johnathan
Thank you. Hope it reads smoothly now.
Appreciate your invaluable feedback.
weirdelf
10 years 1 month ago
My simple answer
to the 4 times repeated question is yes.
Of course it makes a difference. Perhaps explaining that would detract from your meaning, yet it feels to me as if you are avoiding the issue.
An oyster straight from the shell off the rock is probably far finer than anything that could be served in a restaurant.
Then again fine French cuisine served on a slab of clay would not be the same.
If you are addressing the issue of food and starvation then it does not come across.
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
There has been always
a saying that money never buys happiness, nor a mattress sleep. Hence came the idea in this. Never does a dish motivate the appetite. At least what I think.
Thank you Jess for your honest thoughts.
scribbler
10 years 1 month ago
Hi Rula
This is third or fourth visit to this . I'm not yet certain what exactly bothers me about it. Figured I'd let you know I've not been ignoring you and I'll return when I figure out what is amiss......stan
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
Thank you Stan
I will be waiting patiently.
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
I find little amiss.
The only thing I would have tried (and it is a matter of style, not substance) is to make "I ask why?" a repeating refrain.
I also agree with the sentiment. I don't like French cuisine, but I would eat it on a slab if it was dinner.
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
thank you sir!
I like the idea of the refrain line.
Appreciate your feedback and wish it works better for you too.