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May 15, 2015
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A Retrospective in Clay: Interlude
I open my eyes and I think of you,
those last sad days your kisses graced my lips.
Each small breath I draw stirs the grief anew;
it feels as if my soul is in eclipse.
We lived a love made from the stuff of dreams.
It held us in eternity's embrace.
We faced the darkness with defiant screams;
discarding dignity and futile grace.
But as I sit and grasp at memory,
your treasured trinket clutched hard to my breast,
my heart is frail as this aged pottery
and I cheer at the tightness in my chest.
As life and light fade from still grieving eyes
my sense of calm can be no great surprise.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I am struggling with this one. It does not say what I want it to say, how I want it said. Yet.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
As I see it
Again a very clever use of the word "bowl"
But not the sonnet strict meter in more than one line. Would you like me to parse it for you?
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
I know there are problems
Any critique is welcome
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
the lower case stands for the
the lower case stands for the unaccented while the UPPER CASE for the accented
as I/ O-pen /my EYES/, I THINK/ of YOU,
those LAST/ SAD DAYS/ your KISS/es GRACED/ my LIPS.
each BEATH/ i DRAW /STires/ the GRIEF/ a-NEW;
it FEELS/ as IF/my SOUL /is IN / eCLIPSE.
We LIVED/ a LOVE / MADE from / the STUFF/ of DREAMS.
It HELD/ us IN /eTE/rnitTY'S/ eMBRACE.
We FACED/ the DARK/ness WITH/ de-FI/ant SCREAMS;
disCAD/ing BOTH/ deCOURM/ and ALL/ GRACE. (9 SYLLABLES)
But as / i SIT/and GRASP/ at ME /moRY,
HOLDing /your FA/vo-rite/ TIN-ket/ to my / breast, (ONE SYLLABLE MORE)
my HEART/ is FRAIL/ as this/ AGED PO/ tte-RY
and I/ GASP at/ the TIGHT/ness IN /my CHEST.
As LIFE/ and LIGHT/ FADE from/ STILL GRIE/ving EYES
my SENSE/ of CALM/ can BE/ no GREAT/ surPRISE
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
Thanks.
We disagree on whether "favorite" has 2 or 3 syllables, mostly because it is pronounced both ways but I appreciate you laying it out as you have.
I will take a look and smooth things out.
Sparrow
10 years 1 month ago
Jonathan
"Outside of the Workshop"
I have looked at the word
"Favourite - UK"
"Favorite - USA"
What a mess we have put our language in.
"Fa-vour-ite" UK 3 syllables
"Fav-rite" Slang as spoken sometimes - 2 syllables.
"Fav-or-ite" USA spelling 3 Syllables.
There are many words that are accentuated differently in a few countries, so I think that we should be able to read a piece and accept the words as the poet wrote them, or we are going to spend endless hours of correcting poetry.
English as written many years ago is totally different to the way we write it now, the French tried to purify their language and had to give up, a thing for English would find impossible to even thing much about.
Maybe we could say if we are writing in the classical style, or modern English, USA or UK.
Just thought I would have a short say about it, Yours, Ian
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
Modified
I've taken a second look, with Rula's aid, and modified this piece.
judyanne
10 years 1 month ago
hi Jonathon
There are still a few verses that need attention imo
I've parsed those that I find troublesome
i OP | -en my | EYES and | i THINK | of YOU
those LAST | SAD DAYS | your KISS | -es GRACED | my LIPS
each SMALL | BREATH i | DRAW STIRS | the GRIEF | a-NEW
and i | GASP at | the TIGHT| -ness in | my CHEST.
as LIFE | and LIGHT | FADE from | STILL GRIEV | -ing EYES
a lovely write - very emotive, volta effective
Love judy
xxx
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
I'm afraid I must agree with the ladies.
The first line is catalectic dactyl, there is free use of trochee throughout... the problem as always is that it is still a striking poem, but I personally can't call it a "strict" sonnet. At least not Elizabethan which insists on iambic pentameter catalectic or not.
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
I'm guessing we're reading it differently
I'll play around with it a bit more, but we are seeing different things.
My understanding is that stress in multi-syllable words must follow the standard pronunciation but additional, minor, stress is allowed even after the main stress. Also, single syllable words have no inherent stress and are, as I understand the form, interchangeable with regard to forming metric feet.
Again, this is what I've read and studied, so it could be my misunderstanding of the subject.
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
I agree.
There will always be a primary and secondary stress in multi syllabic words. I use the secondary in my iamb. Some words should never be accented even if a single syllable. Such as articles or prepositions.
But also that is what I have studied.
Pugilist
10 years 1 month ago
I believe we'll have to disagree on this
Everything I read lists as many exceptions as rules.
wesley snow
10 years 1 month ago
That is no joke.
When researching my Ballade workshop (unabashed teaser) I found as many of one school (ballad) or the other (ballade) and there are differences in how they are structured. Everyone argues about that too. I'm going to have to make something up just so I understand it.