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May 24, 2015
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ANYTIME , ANYWHERE
Anytime , Anywhere darling I'll be there , I swear. I'm at home all alone wishing you were here. All I do is watch T.V. , That's not the way. I want to be with you on a walk and talk maybe down by the beach , by the bay. The love I have for you has no end , you are way more than just a friend. I would follow you to the edge of the earth , because I have never found anyone like you since birth. So to you my sugarbear , I will love you always ANYTIME , ANYWHERE.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: To : WHO ? From : WHO ? Should I add these ?
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Sparrow
10 years 1 month ago
Randy
Firstly, a welcome to Neopoet site, I hope you will be with us as we journey through the ins and outs of poetry..
I have looked at this piece and just carried out a reassembly of the whole thing for a near normal write.
I have left the Capitals in at the end, but remember it is shouting.
Your lines need to be short and to the point and the words need to flow so that the reader is carried along with your write.
Love is an old subject and not many write of it now as it always needs an exceptional write to bear good comments..
Anytime, anywhere darling I'll be there,
I swear. I'm at home all alone,
Wishing you were here.
All I do is watch T.V.
That's not the way.
I want to be with you
On a walk and talk
Maybe down at the beach,
Or by the bay.
The love I have for you has no end,
You are way more than just a friend.
I would follow you to the edge of the earth,
Because I have never found,
Anyone like you since birth.
So to you my sugar bear,
I will love you always,
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.
There are many ways to write and the different forms of doing so are usually part of a workshop so I hope you join in, I have put out an A_Z of poetry forms though it is not complete there are a few good pointers in there and never be afraid to ask of any poet we have here.
That will do for this Sunday I can put my sermons away till next week now lol.
Take care, Yours Ian
weirdelf
10 years 1 month ago
Randy, listen to Ian
that was superb, constructive critique.
If you want to write more than just lost love rants, you are in the right place.
Rula
10 years 1 month ago
Randy
You've got good suggestions already. I wish you'd come with some edits. Do you know how to edit on this site?
China Blue
10 years 1 month ago
Randy
I am not going to repeat what Ian has stated which is excellent advice
what I will point out is the use of all the cliches
and how your rhyme seems forced and very sing song
I am guessing you are new at writing with that being said don't give up , give it another shot
and reach down deep coming up with your words to describe your feelings I'm sure you can do it
Treat it as if you had the person right in front of you and were speaking to them