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Jul 29, 2015
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This poem is part of the workshop:
Storytelling in Verse (sempiternal): The Horror Story
A Ghost In The Host (Horror Workshop)
It all has started in the room
of a newly wed bride and her groom,
a lamia has showed at an awful night,
a bad timing and the worst site.
Much fury stirred up and messed the place
to carve much grief on everyone's face;
the bodies, ripped off, blown the air
the blood has sullied everywhere
it tarnished the quiet younger dreams
with endless mourns and awful screams.
The cops _though searched_ no clue they'd find
the vampire has left no grounds behind.
No one would know when, how or why
or what's the aim or who's the guy.
Were the newlyweds really aimed?
at least that's what the media claimed.
The bodies shattered but not the souls
both were united in a ghost.
With lax limbs and empty skeleton
the ghost has journeyed into Witlton.
There it lived in a restless mood
before starting revenge for food.
Whenever darkness wears the skies
be sure to hear the ghost's loud cries;
I'M BACK FOR MORE…. I'M BACK FOR MORE
The ghost would chase every hut and home
at night be sure he's up to roam.
The knocking comes so hard and near,
then all would freeze with too much fear.
Do you hear the scratch?!! Someone's at the door
Watch out or you should get the gore!
You'd now and then hear about
The shattered bodies and awful shouts
I'M BACK FOR MORE… I'M BACK FOR MORE
The days gone by, yet ne'er satisfied;
that ghost has nothing e'er to hide,
for revenge is still its at most goal
"be it tonight or ne'er at all."
It's blowing outside!! The winds shall lead
to another host with lots of greed;
for an ego that once has been lost
some more lives should pay the cost
"Who lost, who won?" You'd enquire?
the ghost's greed has fed the vampire's.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
alidzain
9 years 11 months ago
Salam, Rula
I'm a little confused. Is this about the ghost or vampire?
''Hear the scratch?!! Someone's on door''. I thought its supposed to be ''at the'' not ''on'' in this verse.
Ok, I get that the ghost possess a host's body but this line I just don't understand -
''the ghost's greed has fed the vampire's.''
Alid
Rula
9 years 11 months ago
Salam Khalid
the two are different. The vampire is the murderer. It killed the bride and her groom whose souls united to form the ghost. The ghost then started to seek revenge. It became so greedy, its greediness ladled the vampire.
It is if you want the same condition of the Middle East these days in a way or another. The Vampire represents the powerful countries, the ghost represents the terrorists who became pets in the powerful countries' hand.
Does this make sense?
alidzain
9 years 11 months ago
I see.
mmm. The spirits united to form the ghost. Now that's an original idea!
Alid
Rula
9 years 11 months ago
not very original
I think Shakespeare's dead Hamlet has the same idea. However I didn't have hamlet in mind while writing. I remembered it when you commented.
Hope your pains are becoming easier.
Sparrow
9 years 11 months ago
Rula
A grand write and well processed from one state to another..
There is a word that has me "Witlton" is it a place or just a typo for something we know???
Otherwise as I said a grand write, Yours Ian..
Rula
9 years 11 months ago
thank you Ian
I wanted a name that reminds us of a well known hotel. Avoiding to use a trade mark like "The Hilton" , Witlton was the choice.
It also rhymes with the line before.
Happy to know you like the piece.
wesley snow
9 years 11 months ago
It's a campfire tale.
Complete with monsters, gore, a body count, ghosts... all one needs is a marshmallow. I know this was hard for you to do, but I think it great fun.
I don't like the inconsistent meter and that's where I would start my editing. The use of sporadic rhyme is no big deal, but the meter is a bit of a mish mash. Remember when I speak of meter I'm actually talking about rhythm. The rhythm moves around too much. Pick a couple of meters and line lengths and stick to them. Iamb and anapest with pentameter alternating occasionally with tetrameter.
Anything but prose and this gets dangerously close.
Rula
9 years 10 months ago
Some edits done. Please let
Some edits done. Please let me know if it reads now any smoother.
alidzain
9 years 10 months ago
Salam, Rula
this part or rather the last 3 words are not clear to me-
''the bodies, ripped off, blown the air''.
Do you mean they turned to dust?
Alid
Rula
9 years 10 months ago
yes
That's my intention.
wesley snow
9 years 10 months ago
Better.
Two things:
Were the newlyweds really aimed? Did you mean "maimed"?
and how do you pronounce Witlton. ?
Otherwise the poetry is cleaned up. Some of the lines are still over long (almost Alexandrine), but it's poetry and the most important part is that the story is clear.
I agree however that it's not quite clear that the bodies were turned to dust. I get the effect, but the language could be clearer.
Rula
9 years 10 months ago
Sorry for the late reply sir
"Aimed" was my intention. As the author is rhetorically wondering why the newly weds.
"Wi-tel-ton"... I wanted it to rhyme with skeleton. Maybe I should think of another name?
and as for that confusing line, I didn't want exactly "turned to dust" as "decomposed" but shattered to small pieces. Any suggestions?
wesley snow
9 years 10 months ago
No suggestions.
I actually think the sequence works. As for the place name, just spell it phonetically like you did in the comment. It's your word after all, you can do what you want with it.
Aimed is harder for me. I feel it should be followed by "at". The way your sentence reads sounds like someone is aiming the newlyweds to fire cake or something. Not a bad image actually... a little weird.