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In Search of a Different Flesh

I've wondered about the faces, you know...
In the silent nights I've trudged along
The endless streets a maze to commit
My own small artwork
A collection of crossing lines no one else could see
The buildings loom like tombstones trying not to be
Their presence of no consequence
Just coffins when free
In the emptier hours
When lines have crossed in the dark
When the picture within has formed one of those secret places
I've wondered, you know
I've wondered about the faces.

With the bleached canvas of sunlight too long forgotten
And sometimes the rain of days has fallen
I find myself in the blackest of corners
I find myself
My face to your drawn one
I stretch and uncurl, the skin too taught upon me
I stretch and turn
Bent within me
Held in my hand
A talon becomes me
No longer steel and edged
But an extension of a pale finger
Not just one but many
Not just my body but, too, my wings
Uncurled and unfurled
You may look upon my glory
Terror in your eyes as you do see
A terror unfair as I delve within you
My talons pierce and turn
Reflect the skin to within what may be
But the question asked is not revealed but skin deep
And opened flesh tells little but of me
With little more than a whimper you've surrendered to me
Nothing more than what I know
Just another common bit of flesh
Wings returned and talons away
I've reverted to what was
Within a coat and just like you were
A sigh, despair
I walk away
The dissection revealed none
Time edges to day
Yet another mundane one
But I hold hope still
With every soul I pass, I wonder
I wonder about the faces...
About the next one I have alone
I wonder if beneath
If they, too, will be like me.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: New to this, looking to get some opinions really. Anything would be appreciated. Thanks :D

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: ZAF

More from this author

Comments

Sparrow

Sparrow

10 years 2 months ago

Aber

Welcome to Neopoet though I notice you have been a member for over four years , where have you been.
This write is excellent, the theme is good and the picture fine, just a few lines to tidy and balance the poem..
Yours Ian..

alidzain

alidzain

10 years 2 months ago

Hello, Aber

Is this poem about an inner struggle with oneself or as the title suggest, something supernatural? A good theme but some of the lines are too short and repeated (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't..) . Meter wise, you need to ask Wes but seeing the verses, it needs help.

Alid

Geezer

Geezer

10 years 2 months ago

I enjoyed...

the story. I think that it could be streamlined a little and made a bit clearer, but I get it. Supernatural or not, this has great potential! ~ Geezer

A

Aberration

10 years 1 month ago

Hi There

Thanks for the comments. Alidzain, the poem is not supernatural. The idea was of someone so disconnected and alienated from people that he feels he is something... else. The wings, the talons, are all his own mental image of him being himself. Through being himself he looks for others like him, but the only method he thinks he has of finding others like him is through cutting them open, looking at their insides. And I do like using repetition. Repetitive thoughts and all that. But I definitely would like to learn more about structuring and whatnot, I tend to just write as I feel. Who is this Wes and how can I ask him? Actually forgot I had an account here.

wesley snow

wesley snow

10 years 1 month ago

I am Wes.

Hello.
Alid mentioned me as I'm the Director of the Workshop/Mentor Program and have a reputation for writing classical forms. Meter and I get along well.
This poem has a sound subject matter, but I agree with everyone else that it needs more consistency with its poetic structure. It dips dangerously toward prose.
By the way... I am all for repetition and use it regularly to make a continued point. You could have used more and not have had a problem. It might even enhance the poem.
Now, I and others here are mentors ready to help get your head around meter. If you have any questions about the subject, I and others are ready to help. Just give me a buzz on a PM and I'll answer any question you have. If I don't have the ready answer I will find it for you.